Glancing backward at him as I walked away, I began to think that two years ago I would have turned myself around, called out to him and caught up to his pace, just to spend another moment with him, look into his eyes and just linger in his presence. I would have asked so many questions, opened up & purged the feelings I kept inside, study the expressions of his face, the curve of his lips as he responded.
But now I felt nothing but lightness in my heart and the satisfation of making the right decision to continue on my way and on my own.
We cant help but ponder the infinite possibilities that that our actions, or non-actions could create, in those instances. 'If only' and all the unanswered questions plague our existence after parting ways with someone you shared so much of yourself with.
And as I walked away both figuratively and literally from a man that I once shared such a great connection with so long ago, I would be lying if I did not admit to picturing a different outcome for us two.
He was different. He was younger than me, but we were alike in so many ways. Both born in the same country and both child immigrants to the US, we both had a fondness for tradition as well as the novelties of assimilation. Navigating the cultural gaps we saw at home and in dominant society was a struggle for us both, as was connecting to a culture we were both removed from as toddlers. Making a life and finding our way, where there was no one else we could model ourselves after was a triumph we discussed. It is actually the way we met, he happened upon a my profile and contacted me, "Trini sister, I dont know you, but I see your accomplishments, and I'm so proud of you." Something about the instant ease of our communication made it hard for me to turn away.
But this is not one of those blog entries, this is about something entirely different. It is about the cosmic connection and the stinging discomfort of wondering "what if."
In as much as I discuss the various stratification of identity, I have never actually dated someone with an exact match for my background, and worldview, and complexities of a fusion of culture, ethnicity and religion as he had. But delving into deeper conversations with this individual, almost immediately, it was clear that he was a reflection of myself, and in some strange alternate reality he could have been the partner I need and deserve. Although the expectations for embracing American culture, language education and men were there, my parents also reminded me to keep an open mind when it comes to Trinidadian men, because someone will surprise me.
He did surprise me in the many ways. And the serendipitous situations was too much to ignore.
Not only did he go to school with my cousin, but he had the same last name as my maternal family, and no we are not related. I work with his Uncle. We are both cusp Scorpios; while I straddle Libra, he borders Sagittarius. I grew up in NYC and he is from NJ, and we root for the Yankees and Giants. But those are not coincidental, the Caribbean American population of NY & NJ is a huge majority-miniority heritage that many people share.
But I knew this was different when he spoke to me in le patois du caribe, and I actually understood. It was then I realized that we shared something unique and profound. He used a creole dialect that I had banished from my own lexicon, and I vaguely comprehended, yet inherently recognized; he not only reminded me of our shared roots, but he woke up a part of me that lay dormant within. With those forbidden words, he opened a door I never knew I had shut, and he walked right in.
Later on he let himself out of my life and without questioning it, I let him go. I knew long before that our union was meant to be temporal and platonic, but letting go is difficult for the possessive Scorpion. Plus I knew he felt something more and I did not know how to tell him it was not the same for me. As I continued on my way, I give a cursory glance back at this person I used to know, wonder 'what if' for a mere moment and then I remember my theme for the year is to keep it moving.
