#Pisces HEARTS #Scorpio

He was the most ethereal creature I have ever encountered.
From the moment I laid my eyes on him I knew there was something exceptional about this man. I never expected anything from him, and when you give the most unlikely person an opportunity, they can surprise you, rendering some the brightest life lessons. In this case the chance I took on him rewarded me with an awakening that would rival Chopin and Lady Chatterly combined.

He was  younger than me, but one hundred percent a man and he was the first to ever make me feel like a woman. He had such a boyish charm in his smile and in his gestures, but his eyes had the depth of an old soul. It sounds so cliché, but I knew immediately and intuitively that he was someone I had to give my precious time and attention to. At that time in my life I was rebounding from not one, but two relationships that were unsuccessful… both respectively failed for different reasons. And I was still reeling from those lessons learned.

But I was not looking for anyone and that is exactly when he found me. I was in the third and most difficult semester of my Doctoral coursework, and I was questioning every ambitious choice I made and motivation I had. I was battling emotional demons form the past, balancing work and health stressors, and not to mention the countless insecurities that I had and still fight to this day. At that point I had no time for someone new, but when we met it was clear to me that this was a person I had to open my life to. He asked me the dumbest question to break the ice, and I still gave him a chance and I am so glad that I did.

I remember our first time together, and I honestly feel like every time before that never actually counted. I didn’t think I was ready, but I was absolutely ready. I was in dire need of everything he was willing to give to me; he was a river flowing into my desert, quenching every scorched corner of that parched wilderness. He was perfect in every way. His family was from an island in the Caribbean like mine, but he was Latin. His beautiful olive skin was even toned and without a single freckle or blemish until I scratched and dug may nails into his muscular shoulders and back. His hair was black and long enough for me to run my fingers through and pull as I often did. The depth of his eyes terrified and intrigued me because I knew what he held behind them.  But his lips were the best part. They matched mine, not to wide or thick, but just puffy enough to provide a soft landing for my lips.

There are no words that can truly capture my experience with this mystical Pisces Man, but a girl sure can try.

We had been dating for quite a while and I was really happy around him. We were just hanging out and having good clean fun… I swear! We watched movies, went to museums, played board games and he even taught me about online video games. He introduced me to a new type of music and he would send me songs that would help me relax. We would just stay up all night talking like old friends, and he would bid me goodnight in Spanish. Like I said, he was boyish. His relaxed nature tempered my pure intensity. But that semester was wearing me down, and he was a welcomed escape from everything that was slowly killing my happiness.

I just remember being so nervous and frazzled driving over to his house to see him. As usual when I arrived and parked in the lot next to his car, he came down to greet me and escort me up to his two story condo.

He hugged me and asked me about my drive and my day and I think I literally rambled all the way up the three flights of stairs, and for the first half hour of being in his home I hadn’t relaxed or sat down. I just paced and talked as he just sat there motionless and expressionless. Then suddenly I noticed the depth in his beautiful dark eyes and paused as he firmly took hold of me and said “Sorry, I just have to do this…” and he kissed me. For the first time in my life I was kissed so passionately that I felt calm and excitement all at once. I felt fireworks on my skin wherever he touched me, and his soft plush lips pressed against mine. I could barely move or think and I just wanted so much more.

I think that was what had me hooked. In my head it is usually so loud, but with him I was able to shut it all out and just relish in pure physical and spiritual pleasure. And when I describe this as spiritual, it is because my experience with him was so transformative, it literally changed my outlook on sexuality,  on life, on feeling desired and just who and what I was looking for in a partner. I was so comfortable being myself with him and forgetting about my insecurities, that I was able to just enjoy it all, every single blissful moment.

And there were many of those moments. For that year we were together I had the BEST SEX EVER. I mean it was mind blowing, fireworks, waterfalls, intergalactic, headboard cracking- bed breaking- disturbing the neighbors, Christmas Eve magic type of lovin'. And although we had plenty of hilarious mishaps that could have easily turned into one of those Cosmo Magazine disclosures, but it didnt stop us and we just enjoyed ourselves. And for the first time I actually knew what sex was. I knew in my soul and in my heart that I had finally released baggage that was weighing me down. And best of all, I was ready to find a partner, even if it wasn't him, who could give me the physical pleasure I craved along with the love I deserved. 

I was having such an amazing time with him in bed (on the floor, in the shower, the couch, on the kitchen counter, in his loft) but he was not the partner that I desired as my equal. He did not possess the accomplishments that I wanted in a potential life partner like degrees, a career, nor did he have a stable family life growing up. I know that sounds superficial, but those were the things that I worked so hard for and things I was accustomed to. I’m an intense, ambitious Scorpio and  he was an unattached flighty Pisces.

He was just a lover and that was all I needed from him. Another lesson was hence learned, and I was ready to move on. That being said, I would still cross a beach covered with sharp broken seashells, barefoot to be with him again. It was just that good. 

#ThatIsAll

Break Ups: It's Relative

I began this blog almost two years ago with the intention of tackling topics that were relevant, thought provoking and offered cathartic relief as well as a break from my dissertation on Education theory.  I have opened up about dating, intimacy, identity, friendship and other issues that I've dealt with as an individual. But there remains one topic that I have been battling privately, and I was not sure if it was appropriate to discuss in a blog medium. Whether it is appropriate I will discuss in the general sense and apply a literary review of a relevant article.

So how does one "Break Up"with a relative?
And NO I'm not dating someone in my family and this certainly is not a blog about incest.

By this I mean how do we cut ties with a person who has caused you and those you love significant pain, legal & financial troubles, is emotionally and physically abusive, conveys a general sense of immorality and poor character and exhibits negative values that your family cannot identify with.... all while this person is biologically related to you.

If the above characteristics were used to describe a significant other, a friend or acquaintance who was the cause of such turmoil, the clear choice would be to cut him or her loose. But wherein family ties are often tightly woven, fate choses who we are inextricably bound to by blood, by heritage and by name. Countless times we have heard the cliches "You don't chose your family" "blood is thicker than water" etc... but these do not offer solace to people like me who refuse to let certain behaviors slide, be an enabler, and/or be someone's emotional doormat.

Without sharing the particular circumstance and identity of the individual of whom I speak, I will acknowledge that it is not my brother, but someone who may as well have been my sibling. We share the same set of grandparents, we belong to the same generation, went to the same schools, had similar upbringings and we are only several years apart; a relationship resembling one with a sibling.
Which is why I invoke a recent article from the New York Times, "The Gift of Siblings" by Frank Brunai. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/26/opinion/sunday/bruni-the-gift-of-siblings.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

In this article the author discusses the intricate relationship of siblings and how those bonds ultimately impact the role we play in our families and consequently in greater society. The dynamics of sibling relationships are complex, since they understand us on a basic and intimate level that even our parents would never be able to understand. I have now extended this understanding to my relationship with this particular individual because like a sibling, I knew this person from birth, and we saw the good and bad in each other. Being the eldest cousin, my role was always to be a model of excellence for my younger relatives. I took this seriously and I would often forgo the fun stuff that teenagers do, in order to pursue the goals that my parents and I had in mind for my future. I would and still do, base all my decisions on whether my parents and grandparents would be proud.

I assume she and other family members could not live up to those pressures to succeed and allowed themselves to be influenced by other priorities.  At the time I admired her free spirit, and vicariously lived through her misadventures in truancy, relationships and general bad girl behavior that I never had the time or agency to pursue. But I soon came to realize that I resented her ability to be selfish, put her needs first and to repetitively hurt the people I love by choosing a destructive path.

After years of 'bad behavior' to put it lightly, the last straw was pulled and I realized that I could no longer continue to have a person repeatedly cause my family pain, and I shut her out. It was a unanimous decision to do so by my own sibling, parents, grandmother and others in the family who could no longer witness such destruction and chaos.

Of course it was not easy, of course I miss this person and who she used to be, but in hindsight  and for self preservation, we did the right thing. However in order to understand the range of emotions I've experienced I first have to understand the relationship and whether cutting them off was the right choice.

Much like the emotional course one takes after the death of a loved one, or even a romantic break up, I had my moments where I missed her terribly. I grieved for that person who figuratively died, and whose memory I hold dear. I longed for the inside jokes we shared, the memories and time spent together on holidays, or just funny little quirks we had in common. Sometimes I see traces of her at my relative's home, and remember how similar we actually are. For instance we both still find mac 'n cheese comfort food, we use the same brands of body wash and shampoo, and we even now have the same hair color.

Although we could have been as close as sisters,  we are most definitely on two different paths. The person that exists now is not at all like the person I knew. She looks hard and rugged from late nights, not taking care of herself and a rough lifestyle. She has a general nasty demeanor that dampens the space as son as she walks in. If we met as strangers today, we probably would not be friends because our lives, our goals, or priorities are so dissimilar.

I know now cannot have her in my life, and I cannot make myself vulnerable to the repercussions of her self destruction. I wouldn't know how to fit her into my already hectic life. I don't even have an answer to the original question from the beginning of this post.  I realize everyone has their choices to make, their path to travel. Although you can chose who you want to travel with you, whomever you meet in the future is to be determined.

I can only hope that if and when our paths cross again, we are both better people.

Somebody I Used to Know

Glancing backward at him as I walked away, I began to think that two years ago I would have turned myself around, called out to him and caught up to his pace, just to spend another moment with him, look into his eyes and just linger in his presence. I would have asked so many questions, opened up & purged the feelings I kept inside, study the expressions of his face, the curve of his lips as he responded.

But now I felt nothing but lightness in my heart and the satisfation of making the right decision to continue on my way and on my own.

We cant help but ponder the infinite possibilities that that our actions, or non-actions could create, in those instances. 'If only' and all the unanswered questions plague our existence after parting ways with someone you shared so much of yourself with.

And as I walked away both figuratively and literally from a man that I once shared such a great connection with so long ago, I would be lying if I did not admit to picturing a different outcome for us two.

He was different. He was younger than me, but we were alike in so many ways.  Both born in the same country and both child immigrants to the US,  we both had a fondness for tradition as well as the novelties of assimilation.  Navigating the cultural gaps we saw at home and in dominant society was a struggle for us both, as was connecting to a culture we were both removed from as toddlers.  Making a life and finding our way, where there was no one else we could model ourselves after was a triumph we discussed. It is actually the way we met, he happened upon a my profile and contacted me, "Trini sister, I dont know you, but I see your accomplishments, and I'm so proud of you."  Something about the instant ease of our communication made it hard for me to turn away.

But this is not one of those blog entries, this is about something entirely different. It is about the cosmic connection and the stinging discomfort of wondering "what if."

In as much as I discuss the various stratification of identity, I have never actually dated someone with an exact match for my background, and worldview, and complexities of a fusion of culture, ethnicity and religion as he had. But delving into deeper conversations with this individual, almost immediately, it was clear that he was a reflection of myself, and in some strange alternate reality he could have been the partner I need and deserve. Although the expectations for embracing American culture, language education and men were there, my parents also reminded me to keep an open mind when it comes to Trinidadian men, because someone will surprise me.

He did surprise me in the many ways. And the serendipitous situations was too much to ignore.

Not only did he go to school with my cousin, but he had the same last name as my maternal family, and no we are not related. I work with his Uncle. We are both cusp Scorpios; while I straddle Libra, he borders Sagittarius. I grew up in NYC and he is from NJ, and we root for the Yankees and Giants. But those are not coincidental, the Caribbean American population of NY & NJ is a huge majority-miniority heritage that many people share.

But I knew this was different when he spoke to me in le patois du caribe, and I actually understood. It was then I realized that we shared something unique and profound. He used a creole dialect that I had banished from my own lexicon, and I vaguely comprehended, yet inherently recognized; he not only reminded me of our shared roots, but he woke up a part of me that lay dormant within. With those forbidden words, he opened a door I never knew I had shut, and he walked right in.

Later on he let himself out of my life and without questioning it, I let him go. I knew long before that our union was meant to be temporal and platonic, but letting go is difficult for the possessive Scorpion. Plus I knew he felt something more and I did not know how to tell him it was not the same for me.  As I continued on my way, I give a cursory glance back at this person I used to know, wonder 'what if' for a mere moment and then I remember my theme for the year is to keep it moving.

Cathartic Neglect

Oops, I did it again.
I started a well intentioned blog for the sheer purpose of being an outlet for my emphatic inner voice. Yet once again I have allowed a significant amount of time pass as I neglected this writing project and seemingly abandoned this once cathartic endeavor.

I promise I have things to say, ideas to share, random musings and sexcapades to expound upon. Yes I said Sexcapades and you know you want to read on...