UPDATE: Ghosts of Christmas Past

Remember when I wrote this at the pinnacle of stress form my doctoral program? I was surprised by a barrage of texts and emails from guys I dated earlier that year and I wondered why it was happening during such a peculiar and coincidental time.

“What is it about the holiday season that makes people so crazy?

I’m not talking about family drama, shopping mayhem and tantrums from getting the wrong presents… I’m talking about how single people start clamoring for attention and searching for a significant other, while those in an amorous pair start feeling the pressures to commit during various holiday events with family…”

Well it is exactly 3 long years later and I am experiencing the exact same phenomenon. Actually it has been going on consistently for the past few years, so the ‘return of the desperate Ex’ is nothing new. Nor is the “return of the lonely, horny, bored, curious Exs.” However as we are amidst the holiday festivities of 2014, I have heard from at least 5 gentlemen that I have either dated, met with casually for drinks/coffee, had a brief relationship with etc. That influx is pretty high, even for this time of year, and yet I still have cause to wonder why I am hearing form them all within this time period.

I realize of course my dating pool has significantly widened and I have a few more players in the rotation these days. However the nostalgia, Christmas cheer, awkward family get-togethers where you are the lone single relative, extra cocktails, the looming new year are all exacerbations of pressure to find yourself coupled up. 

I promise you that I too feel that pressure sometimes, and I do wonder if I should give someone another shot. Obviously the temptation is there, the compatibility and attraction still lingers. Other times I deliberately cut someone out because they made it clear they did not deserve my time. But chances are you are no longer in my life for a reason, you stayed away until this exact moment, and I never contacted you because truthfully I have moved on many times.

Do you also remember this part…?
“I’m a Scorpio and I rarely give second chances. I’m not looking for a relationship… in fact I’m committed to GWU and my Doctoral program, Scorpions are focused and ambitious and I wont let a man get in the way of my goals… he can come along for the ride. Luckily I’m currently in a ‘no labels’ situation, and perfectly content as it is. I do know that one day I will be in a relationship where I will be prepared to make those decisions and address commitment issues. This is not the year for that… I’m still boy crazy.”

Besides the untimely contact from these guys, what has actually changed for me? Note that in the earlier entry I stated that my priorities were focused on academic pursuits at the time. Also I may still be boy crazy and ambitious, but other than that the bulk of those stressors are over, I find myself with more time, flexibility and agency to give to those gentlemen and relationships. I actually have the desire for consistency and commitment, which may possibly open my eyes to things that I didn’t notice when previously inundated with doctoral priorities. 

I have also realized that I have finally achieved a level of maturity, personal growth and emotional healing that I didn’t have when I began my dating adventures several years ago. Although I am now in my 30s, I know exactly what I don’t want, I understand exactly who I should be considering and I know the type of partnership I deserve.  And I actually do want a partner along for the remainder of this ride. I want them to be part of my successes, share in my growth, celebrate my achievements as I will do for him.  

Like I said before 2011 was “not the year for that” stuff. But I think 2015 is the year for me and the end of a trail of Exs.

Before & After: The Complexities of a Transformative Nature

Previous entries of this blog have been incredibly personal, often sharing my adventures in various social, spiritual, academic and romantic pursuits. While these have not always been easy to share, it sure has been cathartic to do a mental release of things unrelated to my dissertation. In this edition, I will be discussing a part of my journey that never occurred to me to write about because having pride in your appearance can be seemingly vain. 

But it has taken me my whole life (almost 30 years) to rid myself of self conscious tendencies and negative associations with not being what is considered a normal size. I think self reflection is necessary to my evolutionary process to acknowledge my physical transformation, and the emotional toll it takes to accomplish what I have done. Evidently I do not give myself the credit I deserve and I have been accused of making everything look so easy, but I assure you the hard work is constant and continual and internal struggles and anxieties still exist.

The picture I have posted is the second in a series of Before & After images of “who I was” and “who I am now/who I am improving.” Note that I will avoid using the term “weight loss” because I am acknowledging the transformative process of the whole person, and what I have GAINED as a result of positive life changes. The first picture was taken five years ago at a club in Boston on New Years Eve. The second picture was last week on a random Thursday night, off to have drinks with a gentleman, something I would have never done if I looked like I did in the first picture. While the bulk of my physical transformation occurred around the beginning of 2012, I have still been on a constant quest for self-improvement.

When I look at these two pictures I have multiple and complex feelings for them both. Mostly it is a shocking image because while was that girl 5 years ago, I knew I was bigger than the norm, but i didnt realize how I truly felt because I put on a veneer of happiness, confidence and distracted myself with work.  I never realized how deeply ingrained my insecurities were and how much I held myself back out of fear. I didn’t know the real me was buried under anxiety, self doubt, self consciousness and unhappiness. I never knew how far I could go, how much I needed to change, how amazing I would feel after some hard work and a few life changes.  I sometimes don’t realize how much I have changed. I still feel like the only big girl in the room and revert back to being uncomfortable in my own skin. Other times I get confused as to why attractive guys ask me out or seek my attention, I even pick up large sizes to try on when I go shopping, but mostly I still have to work on the emotional progress in achieving such a transformation. 

Mostly I still have a complicated relationship with food because the “Before” picture terrifies me of ever becoming that girl again. Although I know I will always be curvacious, I never want to go back to being big. I look at women in public, struggling through the day to do normal things like walk and not be out of breath, climb stairs, fit into public seating comfortably and I know that they would be so happy even 10 lbs lighter. The most confident plus sized woman, has these same insecurities, and I know they if given a choice they would want to have a normal or healthy size over obesity. I know because I was that woman once, and every day I am scared that if I have a bout of depression, anxiety or anything caused by stress I could possibly revert to unhealthy habits, and I am a few sizes away from being that girl again.

When I look at the “After” version of myself, at times I can see my mom! 

But mainly I see a version of myself that I have learned to love, and I think that is the hardest part of the journey. I see someone who has been through so much more that I am willing to share on this platform, someone who has worked hard on many areas of her life and who is proud of the journey she is on. I’ve learned to forgive myself for harboring insecurities for so long, I’ve learned to look past my own flaws and appreciate scars as evidence of survival. Now I now what I am worth, I know who deserves to share my time and my life, and I know that I can always turn a challenge into a learning experience. Most importantly I know that the acquisition of my own happiness, unconsciously permits others to celebrate whatever accomplishments they have made for the sake of transformation. Again I am not discussing this topic from the perspective of physical vanity, but the entire process that has imparted major life lessons.

As always I enjoy delving into the mysteries of my transformative nature as a complex being, and as always I will use the astrological lens as a metaphor for my own transformation.  Of course I can debate the western ideals of beauty and how exotic women of color are held to impossible standards through feminist, post structural or modernist standpoints, but astrologically is truly is the best way for me to understand my own nature and purpose, plus its so much more fun! In the last several years I have been working on literally every aspect of myself, including professional, spiritual, social, academic, emotional, sexual and physical. While all but the last have been for the most part work I have done internally, the physical is the only tangible reflection of my progress. Without disclosing the numerical value of weight I’ve shed, I will divulge that I am smaller than my high school ‘dress size’ and not only am I below an American size 10, I can fit into child size leggings. 

Transformation is an inherent quality of SCORPIO.

Despite being fixed in many of our attributes, the process of renewal is essential to becoming our best selves. Our highest symbolic form is the phoenix, literally a celestial creature ablaze in purposeful passion, in order to emerge from its own ashes a new and better than its former self. Scorpion elemental energy is water, which can be dramatic in its intensity and purpose, relentless in its goal seeking nature, reflecting a person with great inner strength, and ability to endure and emerge from difficult situations.

Basically this explains my entire experience in the my period of my Saturn Return, when I am battered with challenges and cosmic lessons every 28-30 years. Thankfully the end of Saturn in my sign ends on December 23 and the end of the Saturn Revolution in my sign ends on my 30th birthday on October 23. Coincidentally this is extremely auspicious because there is a major solar eclipse on my birthday and it falls on Diwali, the Festival of lights and Goddess Laxmi's Birthday. The last time this occurred was the day I was born so... 

... Am I a Goddess? Possibly, but I think the metaphorical meaning is relevant to what I am experiencing, which is why I m interested in the Goddess imagery. 

By the way Laxmi's imagery as a water goddess of love, beauty, prosperity, fertility and altruism... aligns with Venus, Oshun, Freyja and Maria Caridad de Cobre (Mother Mary of Charity)... all being linked to water and governing similar attributes. I have major spiritual connections to two of these Godesses... Oshun especially is an Orishia Mermaid depicted all over the Caribbean and South America and Maria Caridad dc Cobre is the patroness of Haiti, a statue mysteriously found in the sea centuries ago by a slave and a version of Mary whom I embrace in the Catholic tradition to be a pivotal figure and female leader.

My message in this entry... if you have gotten this far... is to inspire positive transformations within yourselves. It does not have to be drastic, but making small changes toward a bigger goal will make what seems impossible, attainable. We can all make improvements, and I am the first to admit my flaws and set my intentions. 

That being said, I am more than ever ready for renewal. I am ready to enter a new decade as an enlightened being, surviving the challenges and emerging into the beautiful celestial being I was meant to be. I will always cling to my faith for stability and I have learned to look to the Goddesses for strength and inspiration on my journey ahead. Although I look back on myself and who I used to be, I still have these complex feelings, I will never forget the lessons of my journey and I know I am still the same person, just a better version.  

Daddy Issues: Its Not Me, its Your Dad

What is the Daddy Factor, and does your guy have it? Mine certainly does... 

Since my last post I have been reassessing my last few failed relationships in order to elucidate issues that I may have overlooked, in order work on them or avoid them in the future. However designating them ‘failed’ is a misrepresentation because with each, I gave it my best shot with the emotional capacity that I could muster at the time, and to me that is not a failure. I was genuine, caring, open minded, monogamous and still the respective man and I went our separate ways every single time. I realize I have things to work on (my dissertation, my time management, prioritizing my partner) in particular my fear of commitment.

One major factor that I seemingly overlooked with practically all the men I have dated, and similarly with many platonic friends is the DADDY FACTOR, aka their daddy issues. No, the stereotypical attention seeking, needy, clingy women vying for your attention are not the only ones suffering with issues stemming from unconstructive relationships with father figures. Men can also fall victim to absentee fathers, abusive fathers or deceased ones. In all those cases, boys are unable to recognize and acquire the skills it takes to do basic relationship and parenting asks. Whether the issues materialize themselves as attention seeking, promiscuity, disrespect, avoidance of emotions, exaggerated emotion, insecurity etc… I’ve experiences a combination of these with various men and in conjunction with my own issues, our relationship ultimately expire.

BUT this is my observance and experience. I am not at all demeaning men with absentee fathers, I know it is not their choice and it is the hand that they were dealt by the universe. I am merely making a connection between the issues I encounter within this particular subset. Many men, and women overcome the void created by the disappearance of the father, others are fortunate to have a close relative or mentor who could easily step in and model the correct behavior. Other men have wonderful parents and stellar upbringings and yet they are misogynists. Here are some of my personal findings. As always I examine through an astrological lens.

Pisces: Never talked about his Daddy. He would talk about his mom, sister and brother and friends, obviously conveying his ability to have strong familial and emotional relationships, and healthy social skills.  He was a beautiful, gentle soul, and I obviously could write multiple entries about my torch for this Pisces. However there was always a disconnect emotionally between us, I know he was damaged in some way but I could never get to the root of it and he would never let his insecurities show. Pisces understood literally all of my needs and never had to ask me what I wanted because he already knew. There were so many cosmic alignments between us and to this day it has been my best overall experience. Maybe the lack of a daddy didn’t actually affect this guy.

Gemini: ALWAYS brought up his dead Daddy. Understandably the man had died a few years prior to when we met, and I could see how the grief of such a loss could be utterly debilitating to a grown adult who was just coming into his own. But his mood swings, emotional manipulation and insecurities almost wore me out. We had so many issues, and he would either blame me for being inadequate at relationships, or play the emotional guilt trip about how I could never understand what it is like to have a deceased parent. Actually yes I do… and that will be discussed last. But I would never manipulate anyone or wish that grief upon them the way he did to me.

Capricorn: Daddy Pleaser. He was so spoiled and he did everything his dad wanted him to do. He chose to live at home in a DMV McMansion, use daddy’s black card and  he was poised to take over a multi-million dollar business, working from the ground up. Unlike all the other men, he was looking to get married and he was happy to be with anyone his parents set him up with until he met me and became eerily infatuated. Capricorn was literally perfect for me, he loved his parents and doted on his sister, he wanted monogamy, he was thoughtful, attentive, physically enchanting. He was the only one I actually ever discussed with my parents. In the end he blamed our break up on his dad who would only allow him marry a Muslim girl from his country, and being Catholic and Caribbean with western values, it was just too much for a homogenous traditional culture like his. I miss him, and I pray that I would someday find a better version of him despite the fact that he still calls me to this day.

Aries: Lordy this one is tough. Poor guy lost his dad at a very young age, leaving him to practically raise his younger brother and support his mommy; something he still does to this very day. He truly is a great guy and has the capability and potential to become a wonderful partner and parent, heck he’s been doing it since grade school. But I can definitely see how he overcompensates his goofy demeanor in order to avoid any tough emotional engagement. He is also codependent to family relationships, often opting to forgo independent needs and give in to the group. I also sense a resentment of sorts toward his mother despite his love and loyalty to her as the breadwinner. Maybe he wasn’t coddled enough and he cannot cope with a woman fulfilling a man’s role. Mostly he is ok with me being bossy and having my way.

However, we can have the best physical interactions, the intimate and fascinating pillow talk and I honestly feel the most comfortable with him by comparison to anyone. But there is a vast wall that he has built up and would never let me into. Sometimes I look at him and I see clear glimpses of what a wonderful life we could have together if we let each other past our mutual emotional barriers. Which is why I open up from time to time and I think he understands that its not easy for me, but it is never reciprocated by him. We will never get anywhere except crashing into a dead end. FIX IT JESUS.

Libra: Still daddy’s boy. He is tall, handsome, attentive, and a spoilt only child. He completely took me by surprise by his decisive nature and willingness to enter into a relationship despite my doubts. The way it ended similarly too me by surprise, and I think I’m finally able to discuss this anecdote, although I am not recovered from the utter humiliation and shock of a boundless relationship between a dad and his son. Libras, like my dad and brother, are truly lovers. He loves whomever he is with, he is the perfect partner and one feels utter bliss in his care. He asks what my needs are and is willing to please no matter what the task. He has the same relationship with his parents, loving and respecting them. Although this relationship was too close for comfort and I could not tolerate the lack of boundaries. On one evening at his home, during a particular intimate moment, his daddy walked in on us. Oddly Libra was completely ok with Daddy seeing me in such a state of undress, but I was not OK. His Daddy came in without calling before hand, bringing groceries and household items for his grown son which was the most unattractive thing about this scenario. YES this happened and it was the last time I saw either of them.

ME Scorpio: No Daddy Issues I SWEAR! But I do have Granddaddy Issues.

I lost my beloved Virgo grandfather during adolescence. I was not prepared for such a sudden loss, nor was anyone in my entire family. When my grandfather died it was the first time I ever personally experienced the death of a loved one, or for that matter anyone I ever knew. Indeed I have amazing parents, a brilliant Godfather at least a dozen uncles, scores of male cousins and I have had a significant amount of time with both Grandfathers. Best of all I have a great relationship with my brother. Surely I’m not hurting for healthy male relationships.

I always consider myself to have been raised by my grandparents. I was privileged to have had my grandfather care for me, protect me, teach me and do all the things that my parents could not do while they immigrated to NYC.  This is the man that I saw before I went to bed and when I woke up in the morning, looked up to and idolized in every possible way, he taught me to pray and to honor my spirituality. The very root of my heritage, faith, confidence and self awareness comes from him. When Nana (my maternal grandfather) died I never recovered and I literally had that void ever since. Almost two decades later, through numerous therapy sessions, outbursts, bouts of depression that manifested in unhealthy ways etc, and I am still in tears as I type this.

So when Gemini ex accused me of not ever being able to understand his loss, it really hurt because I am totally able to empathize. I think about my Nana ever singe day and when I pray I talk to him mostly. Whenever I see an old man and woman together I think of my grandma being alone and aging with out her beloved at her side. I think of my mom who adored her father and will never see him again. I think of my brother who was a baby at the time of his passing and never got to know the stellar human being that raised me. I constantly hope for the day, if there ever will be one, where I could look into his beautiful hazel eyes and feel that wonderful warm safe feeling girls get with their daddies.

Despite this tremendous loss, I don’t think it contributes to any of my relationship issues. After all my dad is still around and my parents actually exemplify the relationship I want to eventually have.

Evidently the Daddy factor can manifest in other ways like it has with my Grandfather. I am almost certain that the experience of a sudden loss and inability to cope with grief has caused me to emotionally shut down and induce the ‘fight or fight’ method. I’m not entirely sure if the reasons for my lack of commitment is my way of avoiding the pain of losing a partner, although it is possible. But those are the things that I have identified as areas to work on. Men have to do the same thing.

While “Daddy Issues” are typically attributed to women, it is evident that men bear similar emotional burdens that eventually lead to obstacles in successful relationships. This is not the only source of contention I have, and clearly each relationship had its respective issues. Obviously I would always opt for a person with a close family and healthy relationship with their parents, it is a major signifier of how they will treat me.  But in order to fully understand your partner you must understand where they come from and who indeed affected their foundational relationship experiences. When those relationships are strained, or when a father is absent, who knows what mixed bag of issues can potentially emerge.