UPDATE: Ghosts of Christmas Past

Remember when I wrote this at the pinnacle of stress form my doctoral program? I was surprised by a barrage of texts and emails from guys I dated earlier that year and I wondered why it was happening during such a peculiar and coincidental time.

“What is it about the holiday season that makes people so crazy?

I’m not talking about family drama, shopping mayhem and tantrums from getting the wrong presents… I’m talking about how single people start clamoring for attention and searching for a significant other, while those in an amorous pair start feeling the pressures to commit during various holiday events with family…”

Well it is exactly 3 long years later and I am experiencing the exact same phenomenon. Actually it has been going on consistently for the past few years, so the ‘return of the desperate Ex’ is nothing new. Nor is the “return of the lonely, horny, bored, curious Exs.” However as we are amidst the holiday festivities of 2014, I have heard from at least 5 gentlemen that I have either dated, met with casually for drinks/coffee, had a brief relationship with etc. That influx is pretty high, even for this time of year, and yet I still have cause to wonder why I am hearing form them all within this time period.

I realize of course my dating pool has significantly widened and I have a few more players in the rotation these days. However the nostalgia, Christmas cheer, awkward family get-togethers where you are the lone single relative, extra cocktails, the looming new year are all exacerbations of pressure to find yourself coupled up. 

I promise you that I too feel that pressure sometimes, and I do wonder if I should give someone another shot. Obviously the temptation is there, the compatibility and attraction still lingers. Other times I deliberately cut someone out because they made it clear they did not deserve my time. But chances are you are no longer in my life for a reason, you stayed away until this exact moment, and I never contacted you because truthfully I have moved on many times.

Do you also remember this part…?
“I’m a Scorpio and I rarely give second chances. I’m not looking for a relationship… in fact I’m committed to GWU and my Doctoral program, Scorpions are focused and ambitious and I wont let a man get in the way of my goals… he can come along for the ride. Luckily I’m currently in a ‘no labels’ situation, and perfectly content as it is. I do know that one day I will be in a relationship where I will be prepared to make those decisions and address commitment issues. This is not the year for that… I’m still boy crazy.”

Besides the untimely contact from these guys, what has actually changed for me? Note that in the earlier entry I stated that my priorities were focused on academic pursuits at the time. Also I may still be boy crazy and ambitious, but other than that the bulk of those stressors are over, I find myself with more time, flexibility and agency to give to those gentlemen and relationships. I actually have the desire for consistency and commitment, which may possibly open my eyes to things that I didn’t notice when previously inundated with doctoral priorities. 

I have also realized that I have finally achieved a level of maturity, personal growth and emotional healing that I didn’t have when I began my dating adventures several years ago. Although I am now in my 30s, I know exactly what I don’t want, I understand exactly who I should be considering and I know the type of partnership I deserve.  And I actually do want a partner along for the remainder of this ride. I want them to be part of my successes, share in my growth, celebrate my achievements as I will do for him.  

Like I said before 2011 was “not the year for that” stuff. But I think 2015 is the year for me and the end of a trail of Exs.