Let it Burn

 I write and I ponder the happenings of the past year and compare it to where I was only a year ago. Although we are 6 months deep into the orange nightmare, I do have some positive changes that I have chasing. I am happy to say that I am leaving my job to work on my research full time and I am more than ever in love with my gentlemen. Yes have made progress and gained a new dissertation chair and allies in my success at GW, and lastly I am thoroughly successful at making myself happy and making my gentleman happy and we are building the foundations of a life with a forward trajectory. Being in a relationship this satisfying is like finding your power suit in the professional world. Something that fits you so well, its almost tailor made for your body, it compliments you in every way and it is so comfortable and of high quality that you feel utterly confident and at your best self while its on you. And I did eventually opt for iPhone instead of an android. Who knew Scorpio could be such an optimist? 

So while I make incremental changes for the better, I have come to the realization that other people lack the gumption and capacity to do the same for themselves. I began last year truly confident in my interpersonal relationships, feeling as though they were as strong as they have always been. I have always had a close knit group of friends and fortunate for me they are family. The LGBTQ+ community has taught me that sometimes we build our own families, and that's what I did with my friends. 

But what does one do when dynamics shift in your existing interpersonal relationships and your make room for the person you couple with? How do these people who once held priority in your personal space react when they no longer hold prime real estate in your life? To be honest I see how the people who have truly loved and supported me have embraced the way my life has joined with another person, and I see now how seamlessly he fit into my life and with those around me.  I have personally felt the rejection of those who cannot recognize their need to shift and possibly resent me for it. I can only control my actions and reactions, thus I must inevitably make the tough decision to remove the toxicity and move on without the ones who can't progress. 

I have chosen my words with care and TOXIC is certainly appropriate. Thus far I have danced around the subject, and somewhat created a long prologue into what I am about to dissect. Frankly it was not a decision I came to lightly. In fact as I analyze the moments leading up to this decision, I really should have anticipated this, but me being optimistic and expecting the best of people, I held out hope that this person's outlook and behaviors would change. There were so many times when I questioned why after half our lives together, would this person abandon me now?

I took a deeper look into this person's personal relationships only to see what I had always overlooked as her friend... a cluster of broken bridges strewn across her path. Both parents, siblings and an entire family tree burnt. several friends who no longer served a purpose, or who were like me and moved ahead to the next phase of life only to be spurned and resented. I also found unaccountability for her actions, childish behaviors and a peter pan complex,  responsibilities neglected and negativity towards everything in general. Now that our bridge is on fire, I realize I have one of two choices here... 1) run around frantically trying to extinguish the flames, while the other person stands there with a blowtorch or 2) let it burn and enjoy my side of the valley which is lush and green in comparison to the scorched earth on the other side.

You already know what Scorpio will do... just let that bitch burn.

Crazy in love, Actually Sanely in LOVE

Ok so as usual I have neglected this blog because of a multitude of reasons. But this year I have been legitimately distracted for a great reason. I am in LOVE! Yes the perpetual erudite, the persnickety Scorpion the audacious island girl has fallen deeply in Love with an incredible sagittarius gentleman and thus inextricably transformed once again. As always I will be existential, transparent and unpack this topic with an astrological lens. 

If you didn't catch the sassy title, I am indeed crazy about him but, somehow completely sane at the same time. I haven't written about Daniel on this venue because it was such new and transformational experience that I truly wanted to delve into the myriad of sensations of being in a relationship before the cathartic muse took hold. Plus so much has happened in such a small expanse of time that I had to take my time processing and analyzing things the only way I know how. 

Let me start by saying that Daniel is a Sagittarius, a fire sign that illuminated my life like the wonderment of aflame of a birthday candle, and he quickly set my life ablaze, heating up this steamy Scorpio and brightening up my sullen world. More will be explained as we move along through this topic, but at the exact moment we meant I lost My Scorpio grandmother and My Aries grandmother. In other posts I'm sure I described my Maternal grandma as my Queen. Like Daniel she was quietly intense, family and faith centered, easy to love, and fiercely loyal. In my heart I always knew I belonged with a fire sign because they matched the unabashed and wild spirit I harbored as a Scorpion.... we are both strong willed in character, confident in our integrity, both creative and adventuresome. But by comparison his lightheartedness tempers my seriousness and intensity. 

This journey was a learning experience and it continues to teach me at present. Being someone who was perpetually a dater, and who loved the social process of meeting new people and having fun, truthfully the monotony of a relationship was never appealing. I worked so hard to become the woman that I, myself fell in love with, that there was a fear of losing that independent spirit in a relationship. I love her, I love me, the brazen woman that travels the world alone, who is fierce and passionate, who doesn't back away from challenges and one who is comfortable in solitude. This is the person I learned to be from watching my grandmother survive grief of losing her husband and becoming the independent and unabashed woman I knew her to be.
To this day, and probably for the rest of my life I'm sure I'll hear that wild part of my heart beating.

With Daniel I don't long for solitude because I know every single moment is better when we are together, tough and exciting times alike.  I feel like I have not changed, and I am still the same person I've always been, except I have an amazing man at my side. But simultaneously it feels like I am a new person because I have made the space in my life and in my heart for another. In with all sincerity it was so effortless, joining his life and mine. It is another aspect of growing, transitioning into a new life phase and transforming on levels that I never explored. With another man it would not have been possible to tap into this part of my persona. 

You know, it was so easy to be with him, absolutely uncomplicated. It was so natural to have Daniel in my life, and as you know from other posts it has been a tumultuous journey to find him; my beloved, my Beshert, my future. But a mere mortal cannot fathom the complexities of fate and kismet, so I acquiesce and accept this precious gift from the universe. 

With everyone else I dated or fazed out of my life, it was always so confusing and frustrating. While on paper that person 'looked' like a good match, they were never spiritually and cosmically suited for me. Some of theme were just nice guys who weren't meant to be mine, others just didn't put in the effort to keep me around, and some just plain didn't deserve me. The biggest issue with dating is that timing rarely aligns, and there are so many missed opportunities. (which is why Ive had so many visitors from the past, that will be discussed in another blog). 

When I met Daniel, my world was falling apart, literally it was the worst chapter of my life. Saturn had revisited Scorpio for the summer and brutalized me by stealing my grandmother (both of them anyway) but I lost the person I love most in this world. I never knew my heart could ache so much when she died. Days after we met I returned to Trinidad for the second funeral that month to say goodbye to the one person I knew would want to meet him. The universe has its way of ironically filling voids and surprising us with the least expected denominator... by this I mean how could I know with such loss and grief,  I would receive congruity in securing my future and my happiness? 

Finding myself in Trinidad again did nothing to soothe my grief so I took the next flight home right after the funeral and literally ran to his open arms and open heart. My journey to accepting my grandmother's passing and surviving this tremendous grief is inextricably aligned with our love story. 

There were so many times in the beginning of all this where guilt and doubt crept in to make question whether it was the right time for him to enter my life. Whenever he said or did something amazing, I knew that my grandmother would have given anything to be around to see this happen for me. But a part of me felt that I was metaphorically dancing on her grave, how could I be falling in love at this precise time? And I learned that the answer to that its never the right time. You just have to take the gifts of the universe, along with the cosmic lessons and be grateful for both. I kept moving forward with this man and I soon came to realize that not only did I want to be with him, but I NEVER want to be without him. 

But like I said being with Daniel was so easy and it felt like he always belonged right here with me. I know my parents feel the same way about him, as do my friends and family who have gotten to know him because here is the same ease and comfort that I feel and that I always envisioned. I absolutely  adore his parents and friends as well, and the complexities of joining each other's lives was seamless.  Holidays, birthdays and basically everyday is so much better with him.  I understand know what it is like to make plans for two, cook for two and know that someone will be there. I literally feel excited to see him, sad when I leave, glad to wake up together. 

Months just rolled by and now we are close to 18 months together and I hardly remember a time when I was without him. I love Daniel, I love this life we are beginning together and I love Us. 
Where are we headed next? I have no idea but I'm sure you will read about it right here. 

Stay Tuned. 

An Erudite Epistolary

Dearest Beloveds,

I am beginning an entirely new blog... but I will not abandon this one. It is appropriate since I feel like the past year I've survived a baptism of fire and I am embarking on the rest of my journey fully changed. It is a new beginning because my life has change tremendously in the past year, and knowing the scorpion metaphor that I fully employ in this blog... transformational growth is pain, but resiliency is the major benefit. Take hold because the journey has not been easy, but at last I am finding respite in the cathartic method of writing.

 

The new blog is an extension of The Perpetual Erudite, which I founded to explore intellectual catharsis, expressive transformation and utilize at random moments of muse.
Erudite Epistolary is a blog solely for the purpose of emotional catharsis. After yet another difficult year (of professional and academic stressors) tragedy struck in a most unimaginable way. My world shattered upon the death of my Grandmother, My Queen.

It is difficult to articulate the tremendous grief and loss I have experienced this year alone. But with this platform, I am doing what I do best, I am expressing my emotions through writing. Like all things in life, my feelings and response to losing both of my grandmothers in a short period of time, is a transformative and ongoing experience. This blog, albeit 7 months after burying them both, will cover the emotional journey, spiritual discovery and cathartic process that is rendered from tragedy.


The past year was tough for my entire family because we lost 3 matriarchs; both of my grandmothers and one grandmother in law. Being from an extensive Trinidadian family, I must explain that despite having relatives spread across the globe, the way in which we were brought up is close knit spanning several generations. So my parents and their siblings and respective spouses are finding this grief compounded in triplicate.

In the years prior to this I watched my dad and his siblings suffer through anticipatory grief that wore down to the last bitter days of Mama's life. A fierce woman, who was once a beacon of faith, elegance and strength slowly eroded in front of her children until she finally gave into the light that took her husband a few years earlier. My uncle also lost his mother in law under a similar conditions, witnessing the deterioration of yet another beloved woman. The only solace I found from attending my first ever funeral was through my faith and family. Mama had a beautiful Catholic service (actually several) which brought me tremendous peace and acceptance of her passing. I was able to spend time in Trinidad with family in the days after her funeral, something that I didn't realize would aid in the healing process.

Soon after we laid Mama to rest, we were devastated to relive the process with Nanny, my maternal grandmother. It was absolutely unexpected, and while I will not go into the details of her physical passing, I will say that her exquisite life impacted mine beyond what I could ever express and that will remain the focus of this blog.

I adored and worshiped my maternal grandmother, My Queen as I lovingly referred to her.
Words cannot express how deeply pained I am at the loss of both women weeks of each other, but Nanny's death wounded me so deeply that I am unable to grieve in a healthy way or sometimes even comprehend that she is actually gone. I feel like a piece of me died with her. I do not think I could ever begin to articulate how truly devastated I am because to me I did not lose my grandmother but I lost my mother. She raised me, she loved me and she taught me to become a person who will not fear a life without her. The cruel irony of the universe was that her funeral was held this year on Mother's Day.

But within this fog of sadness, I have unearthed a wonderful gift. I feel tremendous gratitude for having her for 30 incredible years. I feel lost and a lack of closure from a chaotic and traumatic sendoff (more in another blog post), but mostly I feel like I can survive this fog of sadness because the faith I have in seeing Nanny again is as strong as the love will always have for her and as strong as the woman she taught me to be.

The difference between PE and EE is that the latter's upcoming posts will mostly be written in an Epistolary style, which literary buffs will know is the letter format. I realize they will be rhetorical and conversational in structure, but I am speaking to my grandmother in the commentary as if she were with me. In my mind and my heart she is listening, but for me to extract these feelings in such a format is healing.
I hope you read along and enjoy my posts.

Blessings Amidst Frustration: An Educator's Anecdote

Sometimes we forget why God has led us on our respective journeys, and we can find ourselves lamenting on our decisions, our struggles and doubting the path before us. But I have learned that there are messages in the mundane, everyday moments. There are instances were we overlook the gratitude for the simple things that serve as reminders as to what set us on the path un the first pace.
This was a BIG reminder, had to share... ‪#‎anecdote‬ ‪#‎student‬ ‪#‎teachers‬‪#‎blessings‬ ‪#‎college‬

...4 weeks into the semester, 10 mins into class, a man walked in and handed one of my students a stack of textbooks. I never saw that man before, he came in discreetly & respectfully, then left while I continued my lecture. Student guests are not permitted, but I figured he was from the bookstore or something.

This kid is a typical DC student, tattoos on his face, needs quite a bit of scaffolding to be able to function on the college level, one who matriculated trough the flawed urban school system. Now he is in a remedial course I teach and he is interning on a political campaign this semester.  This student is quite articulate, soft spoken and engaged in learning. It often bothers me at how easy it could be for someone not accustomed to working with young black students to stereotype this young man based on his outward appearance. He sits at the front, furiously taking notes and asking questions, aways on time and chats with me after class... (the next class is always waiting for us to finish because all my students want to stay back and talk about the reading/lesson etc!)

After that class the student came up to me so he could apologize for the interruption.  He explained that was his former high school Principal who just bought all the books for him since he could not afford to but textbooks this semester. The school staff, teachers and Principal made a collection and purchased his books. He said they told him to come to them if he ever needed anything, because they are determined to see him through college completion. Could you imagine, a family of faculty, admin and staff in a struggling urban school gathering funds for this student, and probably more like him who cannot afford the basic things that most college kids take for granted. 

while we talked I told him to write (not email) a thank you note and he said "thanks for that idea, a written thank you card is so classy just like you!!" I KNOW awww :')

In our profession, particularly in the data driven, standardized testing culture of late... it is easy to forget that educators do so much more for kids than 'teach.' We serve as mentors, examples, motivators, counselors, leaders and most importantly family. I could go through various times where I was astounded by the circumstances, experiences and stories of my urban students. It is partially a miracle that they make it out of the city, nevertheless to college. 

When I was an urban HS teacher I always kept snacks, cup of noodles, power bars because I knew some kids could not buy the 35 cent lunch, and were probably going home to no food either. I would listen to students talk about their lives (death, violence, poverty), and dealing with things the average American has not been through by luck or fate or zip code. Sure there are countless diamonds that need polishing, but urban kids are the rocks than never make it out of the mine. 

I've never had a school system fail me, never witnessed my friends get shot, never buried a child or teenager, never witnessed the myriad of violence and dysfunction that causes so many kids to get lost in the system, die in the street, or not be able matriculate to college. I never was a teen statistic, never needed help with retention, remediation, financial aid or any of the resources students of this demographic need. 

Being an educator is not enough for these kids. It is not enough that they just 'make it to college.'
This is one young man out of thousands in this city, this year, this semester, who has made it to University, yet still has obstacles in his path to success and would probably have many more in his way. Retention would be a miracle. I truly pray that he, my former students and the countless like him current in this system not only graduate but become flourishing citizens. 

Despite my frustration with this Doctorate, I am constantly reminded that it will be worth all the tears, struggles, expense, sacrifices etc. I am truly grateful for my team (supportive family and friends) and for moments like the one I described that keep me grounded and push me through to the next phase of success. 

Thanks for reading!!!

UPDATE: Ghosts of Christmas Past

Remember when I wrote this at the pinnacle of stress form my doctoral program? I was surprised by a barrage of texts and emails from guys I dated earlier that year and I wondered why it was happening during such a peculiar and coincidental time.

“What is it about the holiday season that makes people so crazy?

I’m not talking about family drama, shopping mayhem and tantrums from getting the wrong presents… I’m talking about how single people start clamoring for attention and searching for a significant other, while those in an amorous pair start feeling the pressures to commit during various holiday events with family…”

Well it is exactly 3 long years later and I am experiencing the exact same phenomenon. Actually it has been going on consistently for the past few years, so the ‘return of the desperate Ex’ is nothing new. Nor is the “return of the lonely, horny, bored, curious Exs.” However as we are amidst the holiday festivities of 2014, I have heard from at least 5 gentlemen that I have either dated, met with casually for drinks/coffee, had a brief relationship with etc. That influx is pretty high, even for this time of year, and yet I still have cause to wonder why I am hearing form them all within this time period.

I realize of course my dating pool has significantly widened and I have a few more players in the rotation these days. However the nostalgia, Christmas cheer, awkward family get-togethers where you are the lone single relative, extra cocktails, the looming new year are all exacerbations of pressure to find yourself coupled up. 

I promise you that I too feel that pressure sometimes, and I do wonder if I should give someone another shot. Obviously the temptation is there, the compatibility and attraction still lingers. Other times I deliberately cut someone out because they made it clear they did not deserve my time. But chances are you are no longer in my life for a reason, you stayed away until this exact moment, and I never contacted you because truthfully I have moved on many times.

Do you also remember this part…?
“I’m a Scorpio and I rarely give second chances. I’m not looking for a relationship… in fact I’m committed to GWU and my Doctoral program, Scorpions are focused and ambitious and I wont let a man get in the way of my goals… he can come along for the ride. Luckily I’m currently in a ‘no labels’ situation, and perfectly content as it is. I do know that one day I will be in a relationship where I will be prepared to make those decisions and address commitment issues. This is not the year for that… I’m still boy crazy.”

Besides the untimely contact from these guys, what has actually changed for me? Note that in the earlier entry I stated that my priorities were focused on academic pursuits at the time. Also I may still be boy crazy and ambitious, but other than that the bulk of those stressors are over, I find myself with more time, flexibility and agency to give to those gentlemen and relationships. I actually have the desire for consistency and commitment, which may possibly open my eyes to things that I didn’t notice when previously inundated with doctoral priorities. 

I have also realized that I have finally achieved a level of maturity, personal growth and emotional healing that I didn’t have when I began my dating adventures several years ago. Although I am now in my 30s, I know exactly what I don’t want, I understand exactly who I should be considering and I know the type of partnership I deserve.  And I actually do want a partner along for the remainder of this ride. I want them to be part of my successes, share in my growth, celebrate my achievements as I will do for him.  

Like I said before 2011 was “not the year for that” stuff. But I think 2015 is the year for me and the end of a trail of Exs.

Before & After: The Complexities of a Transformative Nature

Previous entries of this blog have been incredibly personal, often sharing my adventures in various social, spiritual, academic and romantic pursuits. While these have not always been easy to share, it sure has been cathartic to do a mental release of things unrelated to my dissertation. In this edition, I will be discussing a part of my journey that never occurred to me to write about because having pride in your appearance can be seemingly vain. 

But it has taken me my whole life (almost 30 years) to rid myself of self conscious tendencies and negative associations with not being what is considered a normal size. I think self reflection is necessary to my evolutionary process to acknowledge my physical transformation, and the emotional toll it takes to accomplish what I have done. Evidently I do not give myself the credit I deserve and I have been accused of making everything look so easy, but I assure you the hard work is constant and continual and internal struggles and anxieties still exist.

The picture I have posted is the second in a series of Before & After images of “who I was” and “who I am now/who I am improving.” Note that I will avoid using the term “weight loss” because I am acknowledging the transformative process of the whole person, and what I have GAINED as a result of positive life changes. The first picture was taken five years ago at a club in Boston on New Years Eve. The second picture was last week on a random Thursday night, off to have drinks with a gentleman, something I would have never done if I looked like I did in the first picture. While the bulk of my physical transformation occurred around the beginning of 2012, I have still been on a constant quest for self-improvement.

When I look at these two pictures I have multiple and complex feelings for them both. Mostly it is a shocking image because while was that girl 5 years ago, I knew I was bigger than the norm, but i didnt realize how I truly felt because I put on a veneer of happiness, confidence and distracted myself with work.  I never realized how deeply ingrained my insecurities were and how much I held myself back out of fear. I didn’t know the real me was buried under anxiety, self doubt, self consciousness and unhappiness. I never knew how far I could go, how much I needed to change, how amazing I would feel after some hard work and a few life changes.  I sometimes don’t realize how much I have changed. I still feel like the only big girl in the room and revert back to being uncomfortable in my own skin. Other times I get confused as to why attractive guys ask me out or seek my attention, I even pick up large sizes to try on when I go shopping, but mostly I still have to work on the emotional progress in achieving such a transformation. 

Mostly I still have a complicated relationship with food because the “Before” picture terrifies me of ever becoming that girl again. Although I know I will always be curvacious, I never want to go back to being big. I look at women in public, struggling through the day to do normal things like walk and not be out of breath, climb stairs, fit into public seating comfortably and I know that they would be so happy even 10 lbs lighter. The most confident plus sized woman, has these same insecurities, and I know they if given a choice they would want to have a normal or healthy size over obesity. I know because I was that woman once, and every day I am scared that if I have a bout of depression, anxiety or anything caused by stress I could possibly revert to unhealthy habits, and I am a few sizes away from being that girl again.

When I look at the “After” version of myself, at times I can see my mom! 

But mainly I see a version of myself that I have learned to love, and I think that is the hardest part of the journey. I see someone who has been through so much more that I am willing to share on this platform, someone who has worked hard on many areas of her life and who is proud of the journey she is on. I’ve learned to forgive myself for harboring insecurities for so long, I’ve learned to look past my own flaws and appreciate scars as evidence of survival. Now I now what I am worth, I know who deserves to share my time and my life, and I know that I can always turn a challenge into a learning experience. Most importantly I know that the acquisition of my own happiness, unconsciously permits others to celebrate whatever accomplishments they have made for the sake of transformation. Again I am not discussing this topic from the perspective of physical vanity, but the entire process that has imparted major life lessons.

As always I enjoy delving into the mysteries of my transformative nature as a complex being, and as always I will use the astrological lens as a metaphor for my own transformation.  Of course I can debate the western ideals of beauty and how exotic women of color are held to impossible standards through feminist, post structural or modernist standpoints, but astrologically is truly is the best way for me to understand my own nature and purpose, plus its so much more fun! In the last several years I have been working on literally every aspect of myself, including professional, spiritual, social, academic, emotional, sexual and physical. While all but the last have been for the most part work I have done internally, the physical is the only tangible reflection of my progress. Without disclosing the numerical value of weight I’ve shed, I will divulge that I am smaller than my high school ‘dress size’ and not only am I below an American size 10, I can fit into child size leggings. 

Transformation is an inherent quality of SCORPIO.

Despite being fixed in many of our attributes, the process of renewal is essential to becoming our best selves. Our highest symbolic form is the phoenix, literally a celestial creature ablaze in purposeful passion, in order to emerge from its own ashes a new and better than its former self. Scorpion elemental energy is water, which can be dramatic in its intensity and purpose, relentless in its goal seeking nature, reflecting a person with great inner strength, and ability to endure and emerge from difficult situations.

Basically this explains my entire experience in the my period of my Saturn Return, when I am battered with challenges and cosmic lessons every 28-30 years. Thankfully the end of Saturn in my sign ends on December 23 and the end of the Saturn Revolution in my sign ends on my 30th birthday on October 23. Coincidentally this is extremely auspicious because there is a major solar eclipse on my birthday and it falls on Diwali, the Festival of lights and Goddess Laxmi's Birthday. The last time this occurred was the day I was born so... 

... Am I a Goddess? Possibly, but I think the metaphorical meaning is relevant to what I am experiencing, which is why I m interested in the Goddess imagery. 

By the way Laxmi's imagery as a water goddess of love, beauty, prosperity, fertility and altruism... aligns with Venus, Oshun, Freyja and Maria Caridad de Cobre (Mother Mary of Charity)... all being linked to water and governing similar attributes. I have major spiritual connections to two of these Godesses... Oshun especially is an Orishia Mermaid depicted all over the Caribbean and South America and Maria Caridad dc Cobre is the patroness of Haiti, a statue mysteriously found in the sea centuries ago by a slave and a version of Mary whom I embrace in the Catholic tradition to be a pivotal figure and female leader.

My message in this entry... if you have gotten this far... is to inspire positive transformations within yourselves. It does not have to be drastic, but making small changes toward a bigger goal will make what seems impossible, attainable. We can all make improvements, and I am the first to admit my flaws and set my intentions. 

That being said, I am more than ever ready for renewal. I am ready to enter a new decade as an enlightened being, surviving the challenges and emerging into the beautiful celestial being I was meant to be. I will always cling to my faith for stability and I have learned to look to the Goddesses for strength and inspiration on my journey ahead. Although I look back on myself and who I used to be, I still have these complex feelings, I will never forget the lessons of my journey and I know I am still the same person, just a better version.  

Daddy Issues: Its Not Me, its Your Dad

What is the Daddy Factor, and does your guy have it? Mine certainly does... 

Since my last post I have been reassessing my last few failed relationships in order to elucidate issues that I may have overlooked, in order work on them or avoid them in the future. However designating them ‘failed’ is a misrepresentation because with each, I gave it my best shot with the emotional capacity that I could muster at the time, and to me that is not a failure. I was genuine, caring, open minded, monogamous and still the respective man and I went our separate ways every single time. I realize I have things to work on (my dissertation, my time management, prioritizing my partner) in particular my fear of commitment.

One major factor that I seemingly overlooked with practically all the men I have dated, and similarly with many platonic friends is the DADDY FACTOR, aka their daddy issues. No, the stereotypical attention seeking, needy, clingy women vying for your attention are not the only ones suffering with issues stemming from unconstructive relationships with father figures. Men can also fall victim to absentee fathers, abusive fathers or deceased ones. In all those cases, boys are unable to recognize and acquire the skills it takes to do basic relationship and parenting asks. Whether the issues materialize themselves as attention seeking, promiscuity, disrespect, avoidance of emotions, exaggerated emotion, insecurity etc… I’ve experiences a combination of these with various men and in conjunction with my own issues, our relationship ultimately expire.

BUT this is my observance and experience. I am not at all demeaning men with absentee fathers, I know it is not their choice and it is the hand that they were dealt by the universe. I am merely making a connection between the issues I encounter within this particular subset. Many men, and women overcome the void created by the disappearance of the father, others are fortunate to have a close relative or mentor who could easily step in and model the correct behavior. Other men have wonderful parents and stellar upbringings and yet they are misogynists. Here are some of my personal findings. As always I examine through an astrological lens.

Pisces: Never talked about his Daddy. He would talk about his mom, sister and brother and friends, obviously conveying his ability to have strong familial and emotional relationships, and healthy social skills.  He was a beautiful, gentle soul, and I obviously could write multiple entries about my torch for this Pisces. However there was always a disconnect emotionally between us, I know he was damaged in some way but I could never get to the root of it and he would never let his insecurities show. Pisces understood literally all of my needs and never had to ask me what I wanted because he already knew. There were so many cosmic alignments between us and to this day it has been my best overall experience. Maybe the lack of a daddy didn’t actually affect this guy.

Gemini: ALWAYS brought up his dead Daddy. Understandably the man had died a few years prior to when we met, and I could see how the grief of such a loss could be utterly debilitating to a grown adult who was just coming into his own. But his mood swings, emotional manipulation and insecurities almost wore me out. We had so many issues, and he would either blame me for being inadequate at relationships, or play the emotional guilt trip about how I could never understand what it is like to have a deceased parent. Actually yes I do… and that will be discussed last. But I would never manipulate anyone or wish that grief upon them the way he did to me.

Capricorn: Daddy Pleaser. He was so spoiled and he did everything his dad wanted him to do. He chose to live at home in a DMV McMansion, use daddy’s black card and  he was poised to take over a multi-million dollar business, working from the ground up. Unlike all the other men, he was looking to get married and he was happy to be with anyone his parents set him up with until he met me and became eerily infatuated. Capricorn was literally perfect for me, he loved his parents and doted on his sister, he wanted monogamy, he was thoughtful, attentive, physically enchanting. He was the only one I actually ever discussed with my parents. In the end he blamed our break up on his dad who would only allow him marry a Muslim girl from his country, and being Catholic and Caribbean with western values, it was just too much for a homogenous traditional culture like his. I miss him, and I pray that I would someday find a better version of him despite the fact that he still calls me to this day.

Aries: Lordy this one is tough. Poor guy lost his dad at a very young age, leaving him to practically raise his younger brother and support his mommy; something he still does to this very day. He truly is a great guy and has the capability and potential to become a wonderful partner and parent, heck he’s been doing it since grade school. But I can definitely see how he overcompensates his goofy demeanor in order to avoid any tough emotional engagement. He is also codependent to family relationships, often opting to forgo independent needs and give in to the group. I also sense a resentment of sorts toward his mother despite his love and loyalty to her as the breadwinner. Maybe he wasn’t coddled enough and he cannot cope with a woman fulfilling a man’s role. Mostly he is ok with me being bossy and having my way.

However, we can have the best physical interactions, the intimate and fascinating pillow talk and I honestly feel the most comfortable with him by comparison to anyone. But there is a vast wall that he has built up and would never let me into. Sometimes I look at him and I see clear glimpses of what a wonderful life we could have together if we let each other past our mutual emotional barriers. Which is why I open up from time to time and I think he understands that its not easy for me, but it is never reciprocated by him. We will never get anywhere except crashing into a dead end. FIX IT JESUS.

Libra: Still daddy’s boy. He is tall, handsome, attentive, and a spoilt only child. He completely took me by surprise by his decisive nature and willingness to enter into a relationship despite my doubts. The way it ended similarly too me by surprise, and I think I’m finally able to discuss this anecdote, although I am not recovered from the utter humiliation and shock of a boundless relationship between a dad and his son. Libras, like my dad and brother, are truly lovers. He loves whomever he is with, he is the perfect partner and one feels utter bliss in his care. He asks what my needs are and is willing to please no matter what the task. He has the same relationship with his parents, loving and respecting them. Although this relationship was too close for comfort and I could not tolerate the lack of boundaries. On one evening at his home, during a particular intimate moment, his daddy walked in on us. Oddly Libra was completely ok with Daddy seeing me in such a state of undress, but I was not OK. His Daddy came in without calling before hand, bringing groceries and household items for his grown son which was the most unattractive thing about this scenario. YES this happened and it was the last time I saw either of them.

ME Scorpio: No Daddy Issues I SWEAR! But I do have Granddaddy Issues.

I lost my beloved Virgo grandfather during adolescence. I was not prepared for such a sudden loss, nor was anyone in my entire family. When my grandfather died it was the first time I ever personally experienced the death of a loved one, or for that matter anyone I ever knew. Indeed I have amazing parents, a brilliant Godfather at least a dozen uncles, scores of male cousins and I have had a significant amount of time with both Grandfathers. Best of all I have a great relationship with my brother. Surely I’m not hurting for healthy male relationships.

I always consider myself to have been raised by my grandparents. I was privileged to have had my grandfather care for me, protect me, teach me and do all the things that my parents could not do while they immigrated to NYC.  This is the man that I saw before I went to bed and when I woke up in the morning, looked up to and idolized in every possible way, he taught me to pray and to honor my spirituality. The very root of my heritage, faith, confidence and self awareness comes from him. When Nana (my maternal grandfather) died I never recovered and I literally had that void ever since. Almost two decades later, through numerous therapy sessions, outbursts, bouts of depression that manifested in unhealthy ways etc, and I am still in tears as I type this.

So when Gemini ex accused me of not ever being able to understand his loss, it really hurt because I am totally able to empathize. I think about my Nana ever singe day and when I pray I talk to him mostly. Whenever I see an old man and woman together I think of my grandma being alone and aging with out her beloved at her side. I think of my mom who adored her father and will never see him again. I think of my brother who was a baby at the time of his passing and never got to know the stellar human being that raised me. I constantly hope for the day, if there ever will be one, where I could look into his beautiful hazel eyes and feel that wonderful warm safe feeling girls get with their daddies.

Despite this tremendous loss, I don’t think it contributes to any of my relationship issues. After all my dad is still around and my parents actually exemplify the relationship I want to eventually have.

Evidently the Daddy factor can manifest in other ways like it has with my Grandfather. I am almost certain that the experience of a sudden loss and inability to cope with grief has caused me to emotionally shut down and induce the ‘fight or fight’ method. I’m not entirely sure if the reasons for my lack of commitment is my way of avoiding the pain of losing a partner, although it is possible. But those are the things that I have identified as areas to work on. Men have to do the same thing.

While “Daddy Issues” are typically attributed to women, it is evident that men bear similar emotional burdens that eventually lead to obstacles in successful relationships. This is not the only source of contention I have, and clearly each relationship had its respective issues. Obviously I would always opt for a person with a close family and healthy relationship with their parents, it is a major signifier of how they will treat me.  But in order to fully understand your partner you must understand where they come from and who indeed affected their foundational relationship experiences. When those relationships are strained, or when a father is absent, who knows what mixed bag of issues can potentially emerge.