Dearest Beloveds,
I am beginning an entirely new blog... but I will not abandon this one. It is appropriate since I feel like the past year I've survived a baptism of fire and I am embarking on the rest of my journey fully changed. It is a new beginning because my life has change tremendously in the past year, and knowing the scorpion metaphor that I fully employ in this blog... transformational growth is pain, but resiliency is the major benefit. Take hold because the journey has not been easy, but at last I am finding respite in the cathartic method of writing.
I am beginning an entirely new blog... but I will not abandon this one. It is appropriate since I feel like the past year I've survived a baptism of fire and I am embarking on the rest of my journey fully changed. It is a new beginning because my life has change tremendously in the past year, and knowing the scorpion metaphor that I fully employ in this blog... transformational growth is pain, but resiliency is the major benefit. Take hold because the journey has not been easy, but at last I am finding respite in the cathartic method of writing.
The new blog is an extension of The Perpetual Erudite, which I founded to explore intellectual catharsis, expressive transformation and utilize at random moments of muse.
Erudite Epistolary is a blog solely for the purpose of emotional catharsis. After yet another difficult year (of professional and academic stressors) tragedy struck in a most unimaginable way. My world shattered upon the death of my Grandmother, My Queen.
It is difficult to articulate the tremendous grief and loss I have experienced this year alone. But with this platform, I am doing what I do best, I am expressing my emotions through writing. Like all things in life, my feelings and response to losing both of my grandmothers in a short period of time, is a transformative and ongoing experience. This blog, albeit 7 months after burying them both, will cover the emotional journey, spiritual discovery and cathartic process that is rendered from tragedy.
Erudite Epistolary is a blog solely for the purpose of emotional catharsis. After yet another difficult year (of professional and academic stressors) tragedy struck in a most unimaginable way. My world shattered upon the death of my Grandmother, My Queen.
It is difficult to articulate the tremendous grief and loss I have experienced this year alone. But with this platform, I am doing what I do best, I am expressing my emotions through writing. Like all things in life, my feelings and response to losing both of my grandmothers in a short period of time, is a transformative and ongoing experience. This blog, albeit 7 months after burying them both, will cover the emotional journey, spiritual discovery and cathartic process that is rendered from tragedy.
The past year was tough for my entire family because we lost 3 matriarchs; both of my grandmothers and one grandmother in law. Being from an extensive Trinidadian family, I must explain that despite having relatives spread across the globe, the way in which we were brought up is close knit spanning several generations. So my parents and their siblings and respective spouses are finding this grief compounded in triplicate.
In the years prior to this I watched my dad and his siblings suffer through anticipatory grief that wore down to the last bitter days of Mama's life. A fierce woman, who was once a beacon of faith, elegance and strength slowly eroded in front of her children until she finally gave into the light that took her husband a few years earlier. My uncle also lost his mother in law under a similar conditions, witnessing the deterioration of yet another beloved woman. The only solace I found from attending my first ever funeral was through my faith and family. Mama had a beautiful Catholic service (actually several) which brought me tremendous peace and acceptance of her passing. I was able to spend time in Trinidad with family in the days after her funeral, something that I didn't realize would aid in the healing process.
Soon after we laid Mama to rest, we were devastated to relive the process with Nanny, my maternal grandmother. It was absolutely unexpected, and while I will not go into the details of her physical passing, I will say that her exquisite life impacted mine beyond what I could ever express and that will remain the focus of this blog.
I adored and worshiped my maternal grandmother, My Queen as I lovingly referred to her.
Words cannot express how deeply pained I am at the loss of both women weeks of each other, but Nanny's death wounded me so deeply that I am unable to grieve in a healthy way or sometimes even comprehend that she is actually gone. I feel like a piece of me died with her. I do not think I could ever begin to articulate how truly devastated I am because to me I did not lose my grandmother but I lost my mother. She raised me, she loved me and she taught me to become a person who will not fear a life without her. The cruel irony of the universe was that her funeral was held this year on Mother's Day.
But within this fog of sadness, I have unearthed a wonderful gift. I feel tremendous gratitude for having her for 30 incredible years. I feel lost and a lack of closure from a chaotic and traumatic sendoff (more in another blog post), but mostly I feel like I can survive this fog of sadness because the faith I have in seeing Nanny again is as strong as the love will always have for her and as strong as the woman she taught me to be.
The difference between PE and EE is that the latter's upcoming posts will mostly be written in an Epistolary style, which literary buffs will know is the letter format. I realize they will be rhetorical and conversational in structure, but I am speaking to my grandmother in the commentary as if she were with me. In my mind and my heart she is listening, but for me to extract these feelings in such a format is healing.
I hope you read along and enjoy my posts.
The past year was tough for my entire family because we lost 3 matriarchs; both of my grandmothers and one grandmother in law. Being from an extensive Trinidadian family, I must explain that despite having relatives spread across the globe, the way in which we were brought up is close knit spanning several generations. So my parents and their siblings and respective spouses are finding this grief compounded in triplicate.
In the years prior to this I watched my dad and his siblings suffer through anticipatory grief that wore down to the last bitter days of Mama's life. A fierce woman, who was once a beacon of faith, elegance and strength slowly eroded in front of her children until she finally gave into the light that took her husband a few years earlier. My uncle also lost his mother in law under a similar conditions, witnessing the deterioration of yet another beloved woman. The only solace I found from attending my first ever funeral was through my faith and family. Mama had a beautiful Catholic service (actually several) which brought me tremendous peace and acceptance of her passing. I was able to spend time in Trinidad with family in the days after her funeral, something that I didn't realize would aid in the healing process.
Soon after we laid Mama to rest, we were devastated to relive the process with Nanny, my maternal grandmother. It was absolutely unexpected, and while I will not go into the details of her physical passing, I will say that her exquisite life impacted mine beyond what I could ever express and that will remain the focus of this blog.
I adored and worshiped my maternal grandmother, My Queen as I lovingly referred to her.
Words cannot express how deeply pained I am at the loss of both women weeks of each other, but Nanny's death wounded me so deeply that I am unable to grieve in a healthy way or sometimes even comprehend that she is actually gone. I feel like a piece of me died with her. I do not think I could ever begin to articulate how truly devastated I am because to me I did not lose my grandmother but I lost my mother. She raised me, she loved me and she taught me to become a person who will not fear a life without her. The cruel irony of the universe was that her funeral was held this year on Mother's Day.
But within this fog of sadness, I have unearthed a wonderful gift. I feel tremendous gratitude for having her for 30 incredible years. I feel lost and a lack of closure from a chaotic and traumatic sendoff (more in another blog post), but mostly I feel like I can survive this fog of sadness because the faith I have in seeing Nanny again is as strong as the love will always have for her and as strong as the woman she taught me to be.
The difference between PE and EE is that the latter's upcoming posts will mostly be written in an Epistolary style, which literary buffs will know is the letter format. I realize they will be rhetorical and conversational in structure, but I am speaking to my grandmother in the commentary as if she were with me. In my mind and my heart she is listening, but for me to extract these feelings in such a format is healing.
I hope you read along and enjoy my posts.
No comments:
Post a Comment