Blasts from the Past... Unwanted as they are

What is it about the holiday season that makes people so crazy?

I’m not talking about family drama, shopping mayhem and tantrums from getting the wrong presents… I’m talking about how single people start clamoring for attention and searching for a significant other, while those in an amorous pair start feeling the pressures to commit during various holiday events with family.

While I have experienced the brunt of both of the mentioned examples, this year I have experienced craziness from another perspective. This year I have been contacted and stalked by not 1… no not 2… but 3 exes seeking out my attention for the holidays. I suspect that they are 1 Lonely… 2 Miss me… 3 Feeling the aforementioned holiday pressures… 4 Stalking Me

I find myself empathizing w Scrooge, being visited by all these eerie shadows from the past. The bright ember of those relationships are now ash, and I have no desire to revisit the past. I'm looking for something new and fresh and everlasting.

What’s a not-so-single girl to do in these circumstances? This year I find myself in neither of these predicaments… although I’ve never found myself desperate for attention or commitment which, is why I have never contacted an ex for any reason other than to un-tag me in pictures or to give back my belongings. I’m not the ‘crazy ex type.” Luckily for those guys I just delete them from my heart, mind and social networks forever.

So now that Google + has come along and decided to screw with me, unblock some of these people and allow them to contact me once again, I wonder what is the driving force behind this need to reconnect to me?

That is until I read this article by Tracy McMillan on Huffington Post explaining why I’m not married.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

And NO I AM NOT WONDERING why I’m still single. Its by choice and ambition and determination if anyone else was wondering… I plan to get my PhD before the Mrs. If you know what I mean.

But in this article McMillan outline the characteristics that scare off men … Angry Bitches, Sluts, Liars, & Women with Shallow Insecurities… I’m none of the above!

I’m not perfect but …

Yes I can be cranky, but I’m not jaded and angry at the world…

I am not an innocent flower, but I wasn’t born yesterday…

I don’t lie, because I don’t do anything I need to hide…

I have insecurities, Hello I’m a woman, but I work on them and I don’t judge others and hold their flaws against them.

I realize that they think I may be the safe bet on giving another chance… that’s my guess. A well-mannered, mature, educated, exotic woman with a professional degree… is the best thing to take home to mom, dad and grandma for the holidays.

Here’s what they don’t know… I’m a Scorpio and I rarely give second chances. I’m not looking for a relationship… in fact I’m committed to GWU and my Doctoral program, Scorpions are focused and ambitious and I wont let a man get in the way of my goals… he can come along for the ride. Luckily I’m currently in a ‘no labels’ situation, and perfectly content as it is. I do know that one day I will be in a relationship where I will be prepared to make those decisions and address commitment issues. This is not the year for that… I’m still boy crazy. 

However as 2012 approaches, I find myself wondering when or if ever I will feel those needs. Will I find myself sending out a desperate email, text or other correspondence to a man in my past, in the hopes of rekindling a relationship? NOPE!

I'm not in the habit of making mistakes twice.

Happy Holidays!

❤ Soul Mates

What is a soul mate and how do you know they belong to you?

This week I caught an old episode of my favorite new obsession "1 Girl, 5 Gays" and one of the questions asked by the host was whether the panel believed in soul mates. The idea of fate was brought up in being the catalyst for finding your other half. I totally agree, but I have a different take on the concept.

Firstly the idea that a higher power brought certain people together at a specific time and place for a special reason is absolutely believable. The fact that coincidence is the counterargument for finding a soulmate is unconvincing. I believe a particular person is in my life for a reason and God is the reason for any and all of my blessings, even a special person in my life.

So that being said, I don't think one person is supposed to be your soul mate. Yes I'm a Ploy-amorous believer in soul mates. Furthermore I think a soul mate is not necessarily your life partner... so I am a Pan- Soul mate?? This has been my experience in life thus far because not only have I not found the Love-Of-My-Life, the one intended to be my life partner, but I have found others who I serendipitously connect with and whom I would not be without on this life journey.

Whether it is a sibling, a pet, a Lover a spouse, that person was brought into your life for some type of emotional connections. Its great to have a source of love and support that is unconditional, and wherever one may find it... more power to them.

Which brings me to my Soul Mates, the people who I cannot be without at this stage of life, who were there for me in High School, college and who I cannot see as part of my future... my best friends. Maybe I should call these women my soul sisters, and even though we are friends, we may as well be family.

We Love each other, we aggravate each other, offer support, encouragement, advice and unconditional friendship. We've been through amazing times and and terrible times, and one thing remained consistent, our ability to remain friends over time and distance. We've survived illness, death, heartbreak... celebrated holidays, new jobs, achievements together. They love the people I love and we created a big rainbow family together. I dont think I've ever asked something of them and they have not said enthusiastically "yes."

Whether it was fate or coincidence that brought us together, it is commitment, it is love and it is our choice to stay in each other's lives. I'm lucky to not only have the both of them, but their support in me finding my true Soul Mate and life partner. God brought us together, three different girls with similar values and I I have tremendous faith in the Lord's ability to introduce me to another wonderful person.

I don't know where the journey in life is going to lead, and who else it will lead me to. But I am so glad that I'm not traveling down that path alone and I have my bet friends, and soul mates at my side... and thus far I've been tremendously blessed.

Back to Life, Back to Reality... School's in Session

Welcome to Fall 2011 at UDC- CCDC- UDC CC... I'm not sure what the official name of the academic institution I work for is anymore, but I sure am glad to be back. One thing I've learned from my own studies and professional experiences is that 'everything is political.' Unfortunately that includes every person's basic right; Education.

As I type, its late summer in DC, and we have just survived an earthquake and a hurricane in the mid Atlantic region, but far worse for many teachers... its back to school time. For years the DC public school system has been a downtrodden bane of the urban American academic system, shaming good educators and violating the integrity of education, but most of all robbing students of a holistic learning environment and replacing it with a culture of test taking and data collection. Many of us in the education field love our jobs, yet it is so painful to return to work under the current unfriendly and un-motivating climate.

Happily I am returning to the college atmosphere, where I have much more creative liberties and autonomy as an educator. I am in charge and in control of my classroom, where I employ an authoritative and charismatic teaching style, addressing the deficiencies suffered by urban students, but holding my standards high. Yes it can be quite isolating at times, not being to collaborate with fellow Professors, but it is preferable to a stifling atmosphere that undermines my professional capabilities. In my experience there is so much ego in education, which I admit some of my colleagues are guilty of abusing, but at least students get a survey, we are fairly evaluated and if you are good... they invite you back!

Its a great start already... and I love my job.

Social Media; Can I Ever Have Closure?

How does one break up with someone gracefully? I doubt its ever actually been done. But the one thing we can hope for is Closure.

But how do we find closure in this day and age when social media tracks our every move and we document our personal musings, moments, videos, pictures and memories on various networking sites.

It used to be difficult enough to scratch his name and home number out of my Lisa Frank unicorn address book and planner back in the day... you know in the third grade he spoke to another little girl during recess, and you were done with him! But I digress from that memory...

Or in high school and college when you'd had just enough drama, too many tantrums, countless tears on your pillow because he said something insensitive, didn't call you back, forgot a trivial anniversary... and you'd delete him from your email list and cell phone and be done.

So with the recent emergence of google+ and various former flames and acquaintances showing up as suggestions to add to my circles, I thought... Wasn't I done with this asshole already? Social network, why are you making these sadistic suggestions? What the heck is google+ anyways?

But I digress from those tangental queries and venture to ask how does one retain a social life in the cyber world, yet remain classy and not delete an Ex altogether... I mean didnt we say we'd be better off as friends?

So as much as I could care less about certain gentlemen from my past, its nice to be able to have that extra follower or friend in my network or circle. However sometimes you just don't want to see their witless status updates, you don't want to know where they checked in for lunch, and you certainly Do Not want them commenting on your posts... particularly when your newest flame is in on that conversation thread.

So what should I do?? Should I engage in an EX cleanse of my FB, my cell phone, my email, my pictures etc? Do I even need closure since I've already (Happily, no doubt) moved on by upgrading to someone Hotter Smarter Taller and Better overall than the creep from the past?

Or should I fool myself into thinking its rude to up and delete someone online, when you cant just hit the delete button in life?

This is the same for Best Friend Break- ups too, which arguably, for girls is the worst kind of break-up, even if you remain Facebook friends... Do I care if you passed an exam? Or you bought the most adorable pair of shoes, or got a mani & pedi? NOT AT ALL

But that vindictive Scorpion woman that I am would like to know Why you are constantly complaining about your loser boyfriend and dead end job? Why didnt you graduate college yet? And did you see the pics of me on Vacay, having an incredible time, my new car and yet another degree?

I guess in a selfish way there major positives for remaining 'friends' because what is social media but a way to document the exciting and wonderful or trivial and mundane aspects of our lives, whether good or bad.

So what if he does appear on your news feed? He's an Ex for a reason, he's a mistake made in your past (just like those pics of you with bangs) ... That page has turned, chapter closed... and Hey you do have some closure after all.

Globe Trotting and Phallic Symbolism

Considering that my travel adventures have experienced a dry spell for the last few years, I have suddenly regained the motivation to scratch that proverbial itch, cross oceans and stand in on the other side of the world. A colleague of mine recently said something quite profound, he said "Traveling to another country is like reading a thousand books."

How appropriate of a quote that is for an English teacher and a lover of kinesthetic learning. Thank you Dr. Gibson & Jullien!

However world travel to me is literally a spiritual journey, as I seek to uncover cultural similarities or 'roots' of my own mixed heritage. Although I grew up in America, and arguably bi-nationally as a Trinidadian, I come from two countries that are predominantly anglophone and hispaophone. Traveling this time to France, the first and original francophone nation, and sphere of influence to much of the colonized world, made me realize how many of my roots, both culturally and linguistically extend to France.

On a side note, I spent the last few days of Lent in Paris as I wandered through Notre Dame and other breathtaking Cathedrals. Being a Catholic and experiencing my religion in a different country is always a reawakening of my faith, as I see how much it extends to people of different nationalities and languages as well. Whether I experience Mass in Dutch, Spanish, English, Korean, Hindi and now French, the Lord's message is constantly heard and my faith is never wavered.

This was my first trip to Paris, the City of Lights. And while I have been in numerous cities that were well lit (New York, Seoul, Port of Spain, Chicago, London, Dubai), none compare to the feeling of standing in this historic setting gazing upon the glory that is the Eiffel Tower. The tower which was built for the World's Fair in 1889, is a iron lattice structure that remains the most iconic symbols of any city in the world. Although this was not a romantic trip for me, being in the shadow of this glorious monument, and at the top at sunset, made me long to be embraced like a scene from any cliched romance movie. Funny Face comes to mind because I was undoubtedly channeling Audrey Hepburn in my chic trench coat and heels.

But as a city girl, who loves the concrete jungle and admires the grandiose character emblematic of most cities I've visited, I had to ask myself "Whats up with all these BIG structures?" Sure Washington DC has the Washington Monument, of course we all think of NYC when we see the Chrysler or Empire State Buildings, and London has Big Ben. Chicago has the tallest of skylines of any American city I've been to, Dubai has the Burj, Piza has its leaning tower and Paris redundantly has an obelisk thrusting toward the sky.

So what is the common thread here? Indeed, it is the phallic symbolism conveyed through various aesthetic translations throughout the world. Shall I now channel Freud or Butler in my analysis of this theme?

Is it because of male architects or founding fathers' obsession with power and strength that the symbol of the phallus was adopted by each of these cities and countries?

Is it an obsession with sex and male genitalia? Is this some sort of ancient phallic worship creeping up in modern society... Dan Brown do you know anything about this?

Is someone's mind in the gutter, which makes her see the penile organ wherever she travels?

NO to the last question by the way. And FYI there is a Phallic School of Architecture which is also responsible for the theoretical movement that supports the aesthetic designs of buildings that conspicuously resemble breasts or echo vaginal symmetry .... China's M'inge Stadium anyone?? Its nice to see a modern version of Yoni worship for once... vaginal worship in Tantrism.

I have yet to figure out what I have actually learned from all of this, but at least my latest trip has inspired some truly fascinating food for thought. Where will my next jet setting adventure take me? Who knows. Will I see more clues to architectural perversion? Maybe.

Will I learn more abut myself, my identity and uncover more cultural roots? Absolutely. Will I remain on a spiritual journey with the Lord at my side? Without a DOUBT

Happy Travels!

Ethnography and Duality

Conducting an ethnography provides the analytical and research opportunity to observe a culture from an outside perspective. However the unique opportunity to uncover and deconstruct one's own ethnographic landscape introduces complexities that otherwise would not arise in a traditional ethnography. Only after my recent visit to the country of my birth, did I consider actually going back and re-expereincing my own culture through a methodological lens.

Recently I had the exciting and all too brief experience of traveling back to my birth country Trinidad, during the Carnival season. Like Mardi Gras in New Orleans, Carnival is celebrated in Brazil and other western postcolonial nations during the days leading up to Ash Wednesday; it is the preemptive celebrations before the conservative and restrictive Catholic season of lent begins. I also visited Curacao, one of the three Dutch islands that I did my Master thesis on in grad school. Like Trinidad, Curacao has a rich heritage of a fusion of cultures including Dutch, Spanish and African. Trinidad, mostly an anglophone nation is a derivative of English, Spanish, Indian French and African; all of which are represented in the traditions of Carnival.

Despite being born in Trinidad, I was raised in New York City from the age of four. And although I had traveled back several times throughout my life I never had the full immersion experience of being in my home country before, nor had I the desire to live there. America is my adopted home and my a big part of my cultural identity. But when you are a minority, particularly an ethnic minority who is a naturalized citizen, complexities arise in the duality of culture. Being an American I share a language, sense of being, values and assimilation of social norms with my fellow citizens, including others who have diverse backgrounds and those who we have come to call the 'all-American' girls and boys.

Yet as a Trini-American, an as other ethnic Americans can attest, we have a duality of cultures and issues to navigate. I'll always be the exotic on the American landscape, even though I am fully assimilated into the normative values and general way of life. On the inside I have similar values as any of my peers and countrymen and women, but on the outside I 'look' different and may always be perceived as a foreigner. I'm proud of my mixed heritage because it is unique and beautiful and it makes me stand out from the general all-American population, but also amongst other minorities. Living in DC, I generally find myself being the only one with my background in any room I walk into.

Using the term Trini- American ultimately defines me as different than other Americans, but I am proud of that distinction. Whenever traveling abroad I realize that I generally introduce myself as an American, but in Trinidad I realize that no matter how I speak, dress or what I believe I will always have a home there. This is basically what I want to rediscover if I ever have the opportunity to spend more time there. It is interesting that when I think of 'home' I think f NYC, but in terms of nationality I'm lucky to have the duality of cultures and multiple places to belong to.

I dont mean to channel Margret Mead al of a sudden, but traveling abroad really stretches the boundaries you conform to, or set for yourself in regards to the intersections or your identity. I'm so much more than a New Yorker, city girl, Trinidadian and and American, but once challenging those definitions, transcend my own world view and the expectations of others.

Where will your travels take you and what will you learn about yourself?

Grandma's house in Trinidad... can you see Venezuela?

I hiked over sharp Coral and Cacti to get that view!

Reflections on Kozol

This semester in one of my Doctoral classes I had to read Jonathan Kozol's "Shame of the Nation." I had previously read this book in Graduate school as an exhausted teacher surviving the trenches of working in an urban high school. Kozol's experience in the book definitely resonated with my experience teaching in an inner city DC public high school. Although Kozol, a white male whose taught in the decade before I was born, witnessed the socio economic and cultural segregation of inner city students that I also witnessed almost thirty years later. Nothing changed for these communities, but the time and date.

In his first chapter "Dishonoring the Dead," Kozol develops the major irony in the naming of urban public schools after well known or successful black civil rights leaders, artists and pioneers. What would they think of schools that carry their namesake well into the new millennium perpetuating racial segregation? For the sake of this venue I will call it racial segregation, because that is the practice of origin. Although calling this contemporary type of segregation 'racial' is over simplifying the complexities and intersections of class, culture and nationality and other identifying categories that contribute to social stratification. Also in my worldview race is an illegitimate ideology that perpetuates oppressive doctrines and forces the identity of 'otherness.' But I shall digress from my feminist, post structural ideals.

The school in which I taught was named after a black engineer and architect. It was built in the 1970's as a symbol of progress for the south east DC community, which housed high tech facilities and had academic programs to rival schools in affluent white neighborhoods. The school was a seven story tower which housed the classrooms, a core with escalators and elevators, and all were situated on top of two larger levels consisting of the gymnasium, auditorium, medical facilities and other common areas. There was an olympic sized pool, electric keyboards in the music department and a greenhouse on the roof.

By the time I taught there, none of these facilities were in working order. The building was basically condemned as there were always flooding, mold and insufficient heat and cooling. There were gang signs graffitied everywhere, and there were major social issues in the neighborhood. Frequently I would hear gunshots firing into the surrounding neighborhoods and have to be escorted t my car by the school security guards or police stationed at the school.

The neighborhood was still 99 percent African American and mostly impoverished as the school was a title one, mostly free or reduced lunch. It was the least diverse experience I've ever had. The community was so homogenous that families knew each other and gangs were sustained for generations. Kids thought that I was black with 'good hair' because all they were exposed to were the main staff of mostly African Americans and the one or two random white teachers from Teach for America and the Teaching Fellows (my program). They had no concept of people with my background, what we looked like and where to locate the region on the map. To many kids the Caribbean could have existed on Mars for all they knew.

As an outsider to the culture I felt as though I was actually embraced by students and staff alike. Unlike Kozol whose background as a white male with a New England accent boldly stood out, I as a female minority, albeit novel to the culture, blended in. Also unlike other teachers who entered the profession as I did, but with the racial privilege of Kozol, there were definite instances of resistance and prejudice that many of these white teachers had never experienced before.

Five years later the community is exactly the same, however the old tower was torn down. My third year at the school we transferred to a facility a mile away where we would await another high tech building that would be a STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) school with green facilities. Next September the school is slated to open, yet neighborhood students will need to apply to get into this school in their own ward. The idea is to foster a desegregated population by allowing students from all over the city to apply to attend this amazing new school.

Wether desegagation will actually occur at this new facility will be remarkable. But there is something to be said about not giving preference to neighborhood students. Will the name of the school be kept or will a new name be adopted is yet to be seen.

But let us hope that whomever it is named after, the school will not dishonor its namesake or fall prey to the degradation of its predecessor.

A Step Back in Time

This weekend the nation celebrated President's Day, probably the way most of us spend those lovely three day weekends; at the cinema, shopping or just enjoying a day off.

I however was stuck in class most of the weekend at GWU's satellite campus out in Ashburn, Va. But yesterday took the opportunity to visit Mount Vernon to celebrate George Washington's 279th birthday. Admission was free, and while the rest of my weekend was spent at my namesakes' school, I decided to take advantage of a historic national site and its weekend festivities.

The weather was chilly and rainy, I had to take a shuttle from where I parked to get to the estate and the grounds were crowded with visitors, and lots of kids... and by the time I left, my boots were covered in mud.

But despite all this, I had an excellent time. The drive to Mount Vernon took almost 45-50 minutes from where I live in the DC Metro region. We took a tour of the house, the grounds and various structures on the estate. Although we missed the wreath laying ceremony, I was absolutely moved by the tomb wherein laid our first President. I was surprised to learn that his body was moved from its original location overlooking the Potomac to a larger structure that was erected near to his orchard.

After perusing most of the structures on the property, and being absolutely fascinated by the farm animals grazing across the knolls, we attended the surprise Birthday Party held in honor of GW, hosted by who else but his accommodating wife Martha. We were treated to music, jokes singing and various tidbits of a history lesson.

The best part however was after the celebration visitors could line up to meet the President, actor playing him, and "make an image" with GW, who btw is over six feet tall, towering over my mere five feet and three inches.

When on the Mount Vernon Estate, visitors are constantly reminded that the year is 'perpetually 1789' the year GW died. So being from western Post Colonial descent, unlike other Americans in attendance, it made me think what my life actually be like if I existed during GW's lifetime and what implications of this time lapse would mean for women, people of color and eduction as a whole.

Although I'm not black, I would definitely be a slave or be regulated to some form of indentured servitude as my own ancestors were when they migrated to the Caribbean. I would probably be illiterate, as it was illegal to teach people of color and servants to read. Life as a woman would be particularly tough because, well honestly when hasn't womanhood been tough? But a woman slave was basically a voiceless piece of chattel, a breeder that could produce more servants for her master.

But most worrisome is that women had no choice in the matter. History bombards us with romanticized ideas about the white masters having relations with their slave mistresses, often loving her and taking care measures to free their offspring. While that may have happened, she was still in bondage, with no agency to refuse her master's requirements of her. To me that is he most fearful aspect of projecting my life back to the time GW lived.

Gladly now I am able to voice my concerns, have a choice in any given situation and be self sufficient as a woman of color in 2011. Most of all I can pursue a Doctorate at the George Washington University and not face segregation or discrimination in the same way that those before me struggled to overcome.

Happy President's Day!

Craving Catharsis

After an arduous journey of self fulfillment, recent inspiration and a dire need for cathartic release I have decided to write publicly about topics that are academically, professionally and socially relevant to my daily musings and experiences.

Admittedly so I have unsuccessfully committed to several blogs that I developed specifically to document my study abroad experience in Seoul, SK, my experiences as an urban educator in a DC high school and various graduate school projects.

I promise this one will be different as I will devote commentary on various topics including the journey that I am on at present. So what is this journey I speak of?

Currently I am pursuing a Doctorate in Education Administration and Policy Studies at The George Washington University. This in itself is a major accomplishment as I entered the Cohort at 25 years of age and I plan to be Dr Mathura before I'm 30. Education is a major platform for me personally and professionally, so my decision to undertake this degree was literally the next logical step for me.

Furthermore its is a year after I left the chaotic underworld of the District of Columbia Public School System, where I taught high school English for 4 years. I have to convey that I have significant post traumatic stress from that profession, yet I still seem to be battling the trials and tribulations of an urban educator. Education equity will always be an important aspect of my career because the foundation of which was established, for me at least, upon the crumbling pillars of the inner city, high risk, low performing students. Those of which may never be able to achieve the experiences of mobility and opportunity, nor will they have the awareness that they deserve such things.

At present I teach at the University of the District of Columbia where I encounter much of the same issues that drove me away from DCPS, yet here I find the freedom and autonomy that an educator must possess in order to have creative license in her classroom. How long will I be here and what is my next step?

... You will just have to stay tuned.