I write and I ponder the happenings of the past year and compare it to where I was only a year ago. Although we are 6 months deep into the orange nightmare, I do have some positive changes that I have chasing. I am happy to say that I am leaving my job to work on my research full time and I am more than ever in love with my gentlemen. Yes have made progress and gained a new dissertation chair and allies in my success at GW, and lastly I am thoroughly successful at making myself happy and making my gentleman happy and we are building the foundations of a life with a forward trajectory. Being in a relationship this satisfying is like finding your power suit in the professional world. Something that fits you so well, its almost tailor made for your body, it compliments you in every way and it is so comfortable and of high quality that you feel utterly confident and at your best self while its on you. And I did eventually opt for iPhone instead of an android. Who knew Scorpio could be such an optimist?
So while I make incremental changes for the better, I have come to the realization that other people lack the gumption and capacity to do the same for themselves. I began last year truly confident in my interpersonal relationships, feeling as though they were as strong as they have always been. I have always had a close knit group of friends and fortunate for me they are family. The LGBTQ+ community has taught me that sometimes we build our own families, and that's what I did with my friends.
But what does one do when dynamics shift in your existing interpersonal relationships and your make room for the person you couple with? How do these people who once held priority in your personal space react when they no longer hold prime real estate in your life? To be honest I see how the people who have truly loved and supported me have embraced the way my life has joined with another person, and I see now how seamlessly he fit into my life and with those around me. I have personally felt the rejection of those who cannot recognize their need to shift and possibly resent me for it. I can only control my actions and reactions, thus I must inevitably make the tough decision to remove the toxicity and move on without the ones who can't progress.
I have chosen my words with care and TOXIC is certainly appropriate. Thus far I have danced around the subject, and somewhat created a long prologue into what I am about to dissect. Frankly it was not a decision I came to lightly. In fact as I analyze the moments leading up to this decision, I really should have anticipated this, but me being optimistic and expecting the best of people, I held out hope that this person's outlook and behaviors would change. There were so many times when I questioned why after half our lives together, would this person abandon me now?
I took a deeper look into this person's personal relationships only to see what I had always overlooked as her friend... a cluster of broken bridges strewn across her path. Both parents, siblings and an entire family tree burnt. several friends who no longer served a purpose, or who were like me and moved ahead to the next phase of life only to be spurned and resented. I also found unaccountability for her actions, childish behaviors and a peter pan complex, responsibilities neglected and negativity towards everything in general. Now that our bridge is on fire, I realize I have one of two choices here... 1) run around frantically trying to extinguish the flames, while the other person stands there with a blowtorch or 2) let it burn and enjoy my side of the valley which is lush and green in comparison to the scorched earth on the other side.
You already know what Scorpio will do... just let that bitch burn.
