Daddy Issues: Its Not Me, its Your Dad

What is the Daddy Factor, and does your guy have it? Mine certainly does... 

Since my last post I have been reassessing my last few failed relationships in order to elucidate issues that I may have overlooked, in order work on them or avoid them in the future. However designating them ‘failed’ is a misrepresentation because with each, I gave it my best shot with the emotional capacity that I could muster at the time, and to me that is not a failure. I was genuine, caring, open minded, monogamous and still the respective man and I went our separate ways every single time. I realize I have things to work on (my dissertation, my time management, prioritizing my partner) in particular my fear of commitment.

One major factor that I seemingly overlooked with practically all the men I have dated, and similarly with many platonic friends is the DADDY FACTOR, aka their daddy issues. No, the stereotypical attention seeking, needy, clingy women vying for your attention are not the only ones suffering with issues stemming from unconstructive relationships with father figures. Men can also fall victim to absentee fathers, abusive fathers or deceased ones. In all those cases, boys are unable to recognize and acquire the skills it takes to do basic relationship and parenting asks. Whether the issues materialize themselves as attention seeking, promiscuity, disrespect, avoidance of emotions, exaggerated emotion, insecurity etc… I’ve experiences a combination of these with various men and in conjunction with my own issues, our relationship ultimately expire.

BUT this is my observance and experience. I am not at all demeaning men with absentee fathers, I know it is not their choice and it is the hand that they were dealt by the universe. I am merely making a connection between the issues I encounter within this particular subset. Many men, and women overcome the void created by the disappearance of the father, others are fortunate to have a close relative or mentor who could easily step in and model the correct behavior. Other men have wonderful parents and stellar upbringings and yet they are misogynists. Here are some of my personal findings. As always I examine through an astrological lens.

Pisces: Never talked about his Daddy. He would talk about his mom, sister and brother and friends, obviously conveying his ability to have strong familial and emotional relationships, and healthy social skills.  He was a beautiful, gentle soul, and I obviously could write multiple entries about my torch for this Pisces. However there was always a disconnect emotionally between us, I know he was damaged in some way but I could never get to the root of it and he would never let his insecurities show. Pisces understood literally all of my needs and never had to ask me what I wanted because he already knew. There were so many cosmic alignments between us and to this day it has been my best overall experience. Maybe the lack of a daddy didn’t actually affect this guy.

Gemini: ALWAYS brought up his dead Daddy. Understandably the man had died a few years prior to when we met, and I could see how the grief of such a loss could be utterly debilitating to a grown adult who was just coming into his own. But his mood swings, emotional manipulation and insecurities almost wore me out. We had so many issues, and he would either blame me for being inadequate at relationships, or play the emotional guilt trip about how I could never understand what it is like to have a deceased parent. Actually yes I do… and that will be discussed last. But I would never manipulate anyone or wish that grief upon them the way he did to me.

Capricorn: Daddy Pleaser. He was so spoiled and he did everything his dad wanted him to do. He chose to live at home in a DMV McMansion, use daddy’s black card and  he was poised to take over a multi-million dollar business, working from the ground up. Unlike all the other men, he was looking to get married and he was happy to be with anyone his parents set him up with until he met me and became eerily infatuated. Capricorn was literally perfect for me, he loved his parents and doted on his sister, he wanted monogamy, he was thoughtful, attentive, physically enchanting. He was the only one I actually ever discussed with my parents. In the end he blamed our break up on his dad who would only allow him marry a Muslim girl from his country, and being Catholic and Caribbean with western values, it was just too much for a homogenous traditional culture like his. I miss him, and I pray that I would someday find a better version of him despite the fact that he still calls me to this day.

Aries: Lordy this one is tough. Poor guy lost his dad at a very young age, leaving him to practically raise his younger brother and support his mommy; something he still does to this very day. He truly is a great guy and has the capability and potential to become a wonderful partner and parent, heck he’s been doing it since grade school. But I can definitely see how he overcompensates his goofy demeanor in order to avoid any tough emotional engagement. He is also codependent to family relationships, often opting to forgo independent needs and give in to the group. I also sense a resentment of sorts toward his mother despite his love and loyalty to her as the breadwinner. Maybe he wasn’t coddled enough and he cannot cope with a woman fulfilling a man’s role. Mostly he is ok with me being bossy and having my way.

However, we can have the best physical interactions, the intimate and fascinating pillow talk and I honestly feel the most comfortable with him by comparison to anyone. But there is a vast wall that he has built up and would never let me into. Sometimes I look at him and I see clear glimpses of what a wonderful life we could have together if we let each other past our mutual emotional barriers. Which is why I open up from time to time and I think he understands that its not easy for me, but it is never reciprocated by him. We will never get anywhere except crashing into a dead end. FIX IT JESUS.

Libra: Still daddy’s boy. He is tall, handsome, attentive, and a spoilt only child. He completely took me by surprise by his decisive nature and willingness to enter into a relationship despite my doubts. The way it ended similarly too me by surprise, and I think I’m finally able to discuss this anecdote, although I am not recovered from the utter humiliation and shock of a boundless relationship between a dad and his son. Libras, like my dad and brother, are truly lovers. He loves whomever he is with, he is the perfect partner and one feels utter bliss in his care. He asks what my needs are and is willing to please no matter what the task. He has the same relationship with his parents, loving and respecting them. Although this relationship was too close for comfort and I could not tolerate the lack of boundaries. On one evening at his home, during a particular intimate moment, his daddy walked in on us. Oddly Libra was completely ok with Daddy seeing me in such a state of undress, but I was not OK. His Daddy came in without calling before hand, bringing groceries and household items for his grown son which was the most unattractive thing about this scenario. YES this happened and it was the last time I saw either of them.

ME Scorpio: No Daddy Issues I SWEAR! But I do have Granddaddy Issues.

I lost my beloved Virgo grandfather during adolescence. I was not prepared for such a sudden loss, nor was anyone in my entire family. When my grandfather died it was the first time I ever personally experienced the death of a loved one, or for that matter anyone I ever knew. Indeed I have amazing parents, a brilliant Godfather at least a dozen uncles, scores of male cousins and I have had a significant amount of time with both Grandfathers. Best of all I have a great relationship with my brother. Surely I’m not hurting for healthy male relationships.

I always consider myself to have been raised by my grandparents. I was privileged to have had my grandfather care for me, protect me, teach me and do all the things that my parents could not do while they immigrated to NYC.  This is the man that I saw before I went to bed and when I woke up in the morning, looked up to and idolized in every possible way, he taught me to pray and to honor my spirituality. The very root of my heritage, faith, confidence and self awareness comes from him. When Nana (my maternal grandfather) died I never recovered and I literally had that void ever since. Almost two decades later, through numerous therapy sessions, outbursts, bouts of depression that manifested in unhealthy ways etc, and I am still in tears as I type this.

So when Gemini ex accused me of not ever being able to understand his loss, it really hurt because I am totally able to empathize. I think about my Nana ever singe day and when I pray I talk to him mostly. Whenever I see an old man and woman together I think of my grandma being alone and aging with out her beloved at her side. I think of my mom who adored her father and will never see him again. I think of my brother who was a baby at the time of his passing and never got to know the stellar human being that raised me. I constantly hope for the day, if there ever will be one, where I could look into his beautiful hazel eyes and feel that wonderful warm safe feeling girls get with their daddies.

Despite this tremendous loss, I don’t think it contributes to any of my relationship issues. After all my dad is still around and my parents actually exemplify the relationship I want to eventually have.

Evidently the Daddy factor can manifest in other ways like it has with my Grandfather. I am almost certain that the experience of a sudden loss and inability to cope with grief has caused me to emotionally shut down and induce the ‘fight or fight’ method. I’m not entirely sure if the reasons for my lack of commitment is my way of avoiding the pain of losing a partner, although it is possible. But those are the things that I have identified as areas to work on. Men have to do the same thing.

While “Daddy Issues” are typically attributed to women, it is evident that men bear similar emotional burdens that eventually lead to obstacles in successful relationships. This is not the only source of contention I have, and clearly each relationship had its respective issues. Obviously I would always opt for a person with a close family and healthy relationship with their parents, it is a major signifier of how they will treat me.  But in order to fully understand your partner you must understand where they come from and who indeed affected their foundational relationship experiences. When those relationships are strained, or when a father is absent, who knows what mixed bag of issues can potentially emerge.