Happy Birthday My Prince

YES of course I remember that its your birthday. I know it's your 30th, a major milestone that I will  meet in few months as well. And as I type this I am shaking off the incredible urge to call you, to text or to email and let you know that I still remember. Also I  am fighting the temptation to let you know that I only want the best for you, because the best is ME.

I remember everything.

I remember feeling your energy enter the room before I saw you. Something gave me chills, and when I turned around and our eyes met I instantly felt hot, a heat that sets ones soul ablaze. But when when you approached me I felt cold, because I knew I wanted you and I immediately went into defense mode, instantly building an emotional wall and rejecting all your attempts to converse with me. It didn't work because I wanted to know more and you were so persistent.

I wanted to talk more, to see you again and just have you any way that I could. And for a short time, Yes we did have everything. But it still was not enough for you, I was not enough, nor will I ever be.

I think of you more than you realize, I remember everything you said to me. I remember how you looked divine and  glowing straight out of the gym, earbuds still in, and biceps and rippling abs visible through your white tee shirt. Your beautiful eyes bore into mine with an intensity that I never imagined I could feel with a stranger.

Although you are 100% my type of man (hypermasculine,  athletic tall, caramel tan, black hair and stunning eyes) I was looking past the superficial Disney Prince on steroids look.  Every time I was in your presence you broke down my resistance. I wanted you so much that broke all my rules for you.

I am still willing to do that, I'm still willing to do anything you want. But I won't, because you won't ever do that for me.

You won't accept the things that are important to me like my faith, and therefore you won't know the most special and beautiful part of me. The part of me that is kind and generous, compassionate and forgiving. My faith has given me a foundation when I felt like I had nothing else to hold on to, it has given me comfort in times of grief and stress. It has given me tremendous gratitude and the ability to recognize all of my blessings. My Faith gives me immense hope that I will one day find a better version of you. Someone who will love and accept everything, someone who will pray with me, not in my tradition or his, but in a way that we could share together.

Its your Birthday, and I am praying for you. I pray that you find love, peace and success and a woman who has the capacity to love you the way I did. But I can't help but doubt that your faith would allow you to do the same for me.