Before & After: The Complexities of a Transformative Nature

Previous entries of this blog have been incredibly personal, often sharing my adventures in various social, spiritual, academic and romantic pursuits. While these have not always been easy to share, it sure has been cathartic to do a mental release of things unrelated to my dissertation. In this edition, I will be discussing a part of my journey that never occurred to me to write about because having pride in your appearance can be seemingly vain. 

But it has taken me my whole life (almost 30 years) to rid myself of self conscious tendencies and negative associations with not being what is considered a normal size. I think self reflection is necessary to my evolutionary process to acknowledge my physical transformation, and the emotional toll it takes to accomplish what I have done. Evidently I do not give myself the credit I deserve and I have been accused of making everything look so easy, but I assure you the hard work is constant and continual and internal struggles and anxieties still exist.

The picture I have posted is the second in a series of Before & After images of “who I was” and “who I am now/who I am improving.” Note that I will avoid using the term “weight loss” because I am acknowledging the transformative process of the whole person, and what I have GAINED as a result of positive life changes. The first picture was taken five years ago at a club in Boston on New Years Eve. The second picture was last week on a random Thursday night, off to have drinks with a gentleman, something I would have never done if I looked like I did in the first picture. While the bulk of my physical transformation occurred around the beginning of 2012, I have still been on a constant quest for self-improvement.

When I look at these two pictures I have multiple and complex feelings for them both. Mostly it is a shocking image because while was that girl 5 years ago, I knew I was bigger than the norm, but i didnt realize how I truly felt because I put on a veneer of happiness, confidence and distracted myself with work.  I never realized how deeply ingrained my insecurities were and how much I held myself back out of fear. I didn’t know the real me was buried under anxiety, self doubt, self consciousness and unhappiness. I never knew how far I could go, how much I needed to change, how amazing I would feel after some hard work and a few life changes.  I sometimes don’t realize how much I have changed. I still feel like the only big girl in the room and revert back to being uncomfortable in my own skin. Other times I get confused as to why attractive guys ask me out or seek my attention, I even pick up large sizes to try on when I go shopping, but mostly I still have to work on the emotional progress in achieving such a transformation. 

Mostly I still have a complicated relationship with food because the “Before” picture terrifies me of ever becoming that girl again. Although I know I will always be curvacious, I never want to go back to being big. I look at women in public, struggling through the day to do normal things like walk and not be out of breath, climb stairs, fit into public seating comfortably and I know that they would be so happy even 10 lbs lighter. The most confident plus sized woman, has these same insecurities, and I know they if given a choice they would want to have a normal or healthy size over obesity. I know because I was that woman once, and every day I am scared that if I have a bout of depression, anxiety or anything caused by stress I could possibly revert to unhealthy habits, and I am a few sizes away from being that girl again.

When I look at the “After” version of myself, at times I can see my mom! 

But mainly I see a version of myself that I have learned to love, and I think that is the hardest part of the journey. I see someone who has been through so much more that I am willing to share on this platform, someone who has worked hard on many areas of her life and who is proud of the journey she is on. I’ve learned to forgive myself for harboring insecurities for so long, I’ve learned to look past my own flaws and appreciate scars as evidence of survival. Now I now what I am worth, I know who deserves to share my time and my life, and I know that I can always turn a challenge into a learning experience. Most importantly I know that the acquisition of my own happiness, unconsciously permits others to celebrate whatever accomplishments they have made for the sake of transformation. Again I am not discussing this topic from the perspective of physical vanity, but the entire process that has imparted major life lessons.

As always I enjoy delving into the mysteries of my transformative nature as a complex being, and as always I will use the astrological lens as a metaphor for my own transformation.  Of course I can debate the western ideals of beauty and how exotic women of color are held to impossible standards through feminist, post structural or modernist standpoints, but astrologically is truly is the best way for me to understand my own nature and purpose, plus its so much more fun! In the last several years I have been working on literally every aspect of myself, including professional, spiritual, social, academic, emotional, sexual and physical. While all but the last have been for the most part work I have done internally, the physical is the only tangible reflection of my progress. Without disclosing the numerical value of weight I’ve shed, I will divulge that I am smaller than my high school ‘dress size’ and not only am I below an American size 10, I can fit into child size leggings. 

Transformation is an inherent quality of SCORPIO.

Despite being fixed in many of our attributes, the process of renewal is essential to becoming our best selves. Our highest symbolic form is the phoenix, literally a celestial creature ablaze in purposeful passion, in order to emerge from its own ashes a new and better than its former self. Scorpion elemental energy is water, which can be dramatic in its intensity and purpose, relentless in its goal seeking nature, reflecting a person with great inner strength, and ability to endure and emerge from difficult situations.

Basically this explains my entire experience in the my period of my Saturn Return, when I am battered with challenges and cosmic lessons every 28-30 years. Thankfully the end of Saturn in my sign ends on December 23 and the end of the Saturn Revolution in my sign ends on my 30th birthday on October 23. Coincidentally this is extremely auspicious because there is a major solar eclipse on my birthday and it falls on Diwali, the Festival of lights and Goddess Laxmi's Birthday. The last time this occurred was the day I was born so... 

... Am I a Goddess? Possibly, but I think the metaphorical meaning is relevant to what I am experiencing, which is why I m interested in the Goddess imagery. 

By the way Laxmi's imagery as a water goddess of love, beauty, prosperity, fertility and altruism... aligns with Venus, Oshun, Freyja and Maria Caridad de Cobre (Mother Mary of Charity)... all being linked to water and governing similar attributes. I have major spiritual connections to two of these Godesses... Oshun especially is an Orishia Mermaid depicted all over the Caribbean and South America and Maria Caridad dc Cobre is the patroness of Haiti, a statue mysteriously found in the sea centuries ago by a slave and a version of Mary whom I embrace in the Catholic tradition to be a pivotal figure and female leader.

My message in this entry... if you have gotten this far... is to inspire positive transformations within yourselves. It does not have to be drastic, but making small changes toward a bigger goal will make what seems impossible, attainable. We can all make improvements, and I am the first to admit my flaws and set my intentions. 

That being said, I am more than ever ready for renewal. I am ready to enter a new decade as an enlightened being, surviving the challenges and emerging into the beautiful celestial being I was meant to be. I will always cling to my faith for stability and I have learned to look to the Goddesses for strength and inspiration on my journey ahead. Although I look back on myself and who I used to be, I still have these complex feelings, I will never forget the lessons of my journey and I know I am still the same person, just a better version.