Break Ups: It's Relative

I began this blog almost two years ago with the intention of tackling topics that were relevant, thought provoking and offered cathartic relief as well as a break from my dissertation on Education theory.  I have opened up about dating, intimacy, identity, friendship and other issues that I've dealt with as an individual. But there remains one topic that I have been battling privately, and I was not sure if it was appropriate to discuss in a blog medium. Whether it is appropriate I will discuss in the general sense and apply a literary review of a relevant article.

So how does one "Break Up"with a relative?
And NO I'm not dating someone in my family and this certainly is not a blog about incest.

By this I mean how do we cut ties with a person who has caused you and those you love significant pain, legal & financial troubles, is emotionally and physically abusive, conveys a general sense of immorality and poor character and exhibits negative values that your family cannot identify with.... all while this person is biologically related to you.

If the above characteristics were used to describe a significant other, a friend or acquaintance who was the cause of such turmoil, the clear choice would be to cut him or her loose. But wherein family ties are often tightly woven, fate choses who we are inextricably bound to by blood, by heritage and by name. Countless times we have heard the cliches "You don't chose your family" "blood is thicker than water" etc... but these do not offer solace to people like me who refuse to let certain behaviors slide, be an enabler, and/or be someone's emotional doormat.

Without sharing the particular circumstance and identity of the individual of whom I speak, I will acknowledge that it is not my brother, but someone who may as well have been my sibling. We share the same set of grandparents, we belong to the same generation, went to the same schools, had similar upbringings and we are only several years apart; a relationship resembling one with a sibling.
Which is why I invoke a recent article from the New York Times, "The Gift of Siblings" by Frank Brunai. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/26/opinion/sunday/bruni-the-gift-of-siblings.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

In this article the author discusses the intricate relationship of siblings and how those bonds ultimately impact the role we play in our families and consequently in greater society. The dynamics of sibling relationships are complex, since they understand us on a basic and intimate level that even our parents would never be able to understand. I have now extended this understanding to my relationship with this particular individual because like a sibling, I knew this person from birth, and we saw the good and bad in each other. Being the eldest cousin, my role was always to be a model of excellence for my younger relatives. I took this seriously and I would often forgo the fun stuff that teenagers do, in order to pursue the goals that my parents and I had in mind for my future. I would and still do, base all my decisions on whether my parents and grandparents would be proud.

I assume she and other family members could not live up to those pressures to succeed and allowed themselves to be influenced by other priorities.  At the time I admired her free spirit, and vicariously lived through her misadventures in truancy, relationships and general bad girl behavior that I never had the time or agency to pursue. But I soon came to realize that I resented her ability to be selfish, put her needs first and to repetitively hurt the people I love by choosing a destructive path.

After years of 'bad behavior' to put it lightly, the last straw was pulled and I realized that I could no longer continue to have a person repeatedly cause my family pain, and I shut her out. It was a unanimous decision to do so by my own sibling, parents, grandmother and others in the family who could no longer witness such destruction and chaos.

Of course it was not easy, of course I miss this person and who she used to be, but in hindsight  and for self preservation, we did the right thing. However in order to understand the range of emotions I've experienced I first have to understand the relationship and whether cutting them off was the right choice.

Much like the emotional course one takes after the death of a loved one, or even a romantic break up, I had my moments where I missed her terribly. I grieved for that person who figuratively died, and whose memory I hold dear. I longed for the inside jokes we shared, the memories and time spent together on holidays, or just funny little quirks we had in common. Sometimes I see traces of her at my relative's home, and remember how similar we actually are. For instance we both still find mac 'n cheese comfort food, we use the same brands of body wash and shampoo, and we even now have the same hair color.

Although we could have been as close as sisters,  we are most definitely on two different paths. The person that exists now is not at all like the person I knew. She looks hard and rugged from late nights, not taking care of herself and a rough lifestyle. She has a general nasty demeanor that dampens the space as son as she walks in. If we met as strangers today, we probably would not be friends because our lives, our goals, or priorities are so dissimilar.

I know now cannot have her in my life, and I cannot make myself vulnerable to the repercussions of her self destruction. I wouldn't know how to fit her into my already hectic life. I don't even have an answer to the original question from the beginning of this post.  I realize everyone has their choices to make, their path to travel. Although you can chose who you want to travel with you, whomever you meet in the future is to be determined.

I can only hope that if and when our paths cross again, we are both better people.