Happy Birthday My Prince

YES of course I remember that its your birthday. I know it's your 30th, a major milestone that I will  meet in few months as well. And as I type this I am shaking off the incredible urge to call you, to text or to email and let you know that I still remember. Also I  am fighting the temptation to let you know that I only want the best for you, because the best is ME.

I remember everything.

I remember feeling your energy enter the room before I saw you. Something gave me chills, and when I turned around and our eyes met I instantly felt hot, a heat that sets ones soul ablaze. But when when you approached me I felt cold, because I knew I wanted you and I immediately went into defense mode, instantly building an emotional wall and rejecting all your attempts to converse with me. It didn't work because I wanted to know more and you were so persistent.

I wanted to talk more, to see you again and just have you any way that I could. And for a short time, Yes we did have everything. But it still was not enough for you, I was not enough, nor will I ever be.

I think of you more than you realize, I remember everything you said to me. I remember how you looked divine and  glowing straight out of the gym, earbuds still in, and biceps and rippling abs visible through your white tee shirt. Your beautiful eyes bore into mine with an intensity that I never imagined I could feel with a stranger.

Although you are 100% my type of man (hypermasculine,  athletic tall, caramel tan, black hair and stunning eyes) I was looking past the superficial Disney Prince on steroids look.  Every time I was in your presence you broke down my resistance. I wanted you so much that broke all my rules for you.

I am still willing to do that, I'm still willing to do anything you want. But I won't, because you won't ever do that for me.

You won't accept the things that are important to me like my faith, and therefore you won't know the most special and beautiful part of me. The part of me that is kind and generous, compassionate and forgiving. My faith has given me a foundation when I felt like I had nothing else to hold on to, it has given me comfort in times of grief and stress. It has given me tremendous gratitude and the ability to recognize all of my blessings. My Faith gives me immense hope that I will one day find a better version of you. Someone who will love and accept everything, someone who will pray with me, not in my tradition or his, but in a way that we could share together.

Its your Birthday, and I am praying for you. I pray that you find love, peace and success and a woman who has the capacity to love you the way I did. But I can't help but doubt that your faith would allow you to do the same for me.

Single Girl Problems

#SingleGirlProbs

How many times have I used that hashtag in my head as I recall the barrage of dates I've inflicted upon myself in the last year? I'm not sure but I blame Tinder, Hinge and OKCupid for enabling my dating addiction. Yes thats a #problem, because I seem to be dating without an actual purpose. Its almost like I'm arbitrarily firing a gun and some guy is bound to be a victim of my nonchalant bullet. I'm scared that has already happened.

However as I approach the 30 year mark of my life, I am beginning to rethink much of my decisions and opening up even more to transformative progress. One of those areas of growth is my dating life wherein I will hopefully eliminate the curious and sometimes lusty tendencies and hone in on those who deserve my time. I have been putting in lots of work on myself for the past few years, professionally, spiritually and physically. I have made so many positive strides and I truly believe I am currently the best version of myself and I deserve someone who will appreciate all of me, the grows and the glows.

I will be the first person to tell you that I have an inherent fear of commitment and relationships. Really though, who has not been turned off by the tribulations of relationships and rejection from time to time. Its easy to casually date and figure out what I like and dislike in hopes that this type of empirical research will prepare me for a real relationship. The whole process is amusing actually, and it is not a difficult task to find a handsome stranger to meet up for drinks, coffee, wander a museum, or take a romantic stroll in the few bookstores remaining in this world. Its not hard to have a guy say YES to anything I say.

Its certainly not hard to engage in light-but-somewhat-meaninful conversation about our respective travels, food adventures, movies and our love/hate for this quirky city. I know I'm intelligent, congenial, outgoing and attractive...  no modesty here!  It seems like lately I walk down the street and bump into, trip over, or get my shoes stepped on by some gentleman who in movie like fashion runs after me to ask me for my time. Even with humidity hair and being covered in post workout sweat, I've had genuine interactions, and sometimes creepy, with single guys who have somehow decided to cross traffic to speak to me. This is the product of hard work, self awareness and confidence building, all of which I lacked up until my early twenties.

Truthfully I have only been actively dating for the last few years, and haphazardly ended up in short term relationships. I'm not about to discuss my Pisces in this entry, but yes he counts as one of those relationships with a quick expiration date. In hindsight I realize that I ended up with men I knew were not  gong to work out for me in the long run; whether I knew he will be moving in a few months, he'd never marry outside his religion, or his low self esteem couldn't handle being with someone way out of his league.

It is a Scorpio tendency to self sabotage, and indeed we are a tad masochistic. So I can see all the choices (in my dating life) where I set myself up for failure. Its an odd method of self preservation since I set limits on how far I would let another person in. I realized this in my last attempt at a relationship where he was clear about his intentions from the start and I went ahead with it despite intuitive doubts. He was so nice, accomplished and dreamy... and pretty much everything aligned for us, including a shared birthday. But what I first saw as sweetness was in actuality weakness and my intensity could easily shatter him... it did, hence the previous bullet metaphor. After a few months I expressed my desire to go our separate ways and the tears began rolling down his face. It only validated that he was certinly not for me, but I also realized I could never put someone through that again.

Transformation is another Scorpio trait that I fully embrace.
In the last two months since that dreary scene occurred, I have not thought about him, but I have thought about me and what I want to be different and better. Only I can change that. I've been on a few dates, but much less than I am used to. I am taking this time to truly assess my relationship goals, among other things and I am purposefully taking action and speaking words to manifest my intentions. I want my next relationship to be lasting and I want to find my life partner already. My life is full and blessed and I only expect good things, despite still being on an imperfect journey.  I still have work to do on myself, and I still have a lot to learn, but I want someone I can share these blessings with,  learn with and work with on a close to perfect partnership.

I am certainly ready to trade my #SingleGirlProbs for the #RelationshipLearningCurve.

#Pisces HEARTS #Scorpio

He was the most ethereal creature I have ever encountered.
From the moment I laid my eyes on him I knew there was something exceptional about this man. I never expected anything from him, and when you give the most unlikely person an opportunity, they can surprise you, rendering some the brightest life lessons. In this case the chance I took on him rewarded me with an awakening that would rival Chopin and Lady Chatterly combined.

He was  younger than me, but one hundred percent a man and he was the first to ever make me feel like a woman. He had such a boyish charm in his smile and in his gestures, but his eyes had the depth of an old soul. It sounds so cliché, but I knew immediately and intuitively that he was someone I had to give my precious time and attention to. At that time in my life I was rebounding from not one, but two relationships that were unsuccessful… both respectively failed for different reasons. And I was still reeling from those lessons learned.

But I was not looking for anyone and that is exactly when he found me. I was in the third and most difficult semester of my Doctoral coursework, and I was questioning every ambitious choice I made and motivation I had. I was battling emotional demons form the past, balancing work and health stressors, and not to mention the countless insecurities that I had and still fight to this day. At that point I had no time for someone new, but when we met it was clear to me that this was a person I had to open my life to. He asked me the dumbest question to break the ice, and I still gave him a chance and I am so glad that I did.

I remember our first time together, and I honestly feel like every time before that never actually counted. I didn’t think I was ready, but I was absolutely ready. I was in dire need of everything he was willing to give to me; he was a river flowing into my desert, quenching every scorched corner of that parched wilderness. He was perfect in every way. His family was from an island in the Caribbean like mine, but he was Latin. His beautiful olive skin was even toned and without a single freckle or blemish until I scratched and dug may nails into his muscular shoulders and back. His hair was black and long enough for me to run my fingers through and pull as I often did. The depth of his eyes terrified and intrigued me because I knew what he held behind them.  But his lips were the best part. They matched mine, not to wide or thick, but just puffy enough to provide a soft landing for my lips.

There are no words that can truly capture my experience with this mystical Pisces Man, but a girl sure can try.

We had been dating for quite a while and I was really happy around him. We were just hanging out and having good clean fun… I swear! We watched movies, went to museums, played board games and he even taught me about online video games. He introduced me to a new type of music and he would send me songs that would help me relax. We would just stay up all night talking like old friends, and he would bid me goodnight in Spanish. Like I said, he was boyish. His relaxed nature tempered my pure intensity. But that semester was wearing me down, and he was a welcomed escape from everything that was slowly killing my happiness.

I just remember being so nervous and frazzled driving over to his house to see him. As usual when I arrived and parked in the lot next to his car, he came down to greet me and escort me up to his two story condo.

He hugged me and asked me about my drive and my day and I think I literally rambled all the way up the three flights of stairs, and for the first half hour of being in his home I hadn’t relaxed or sat down. I just paced and talked as he just sat there motionless and expressionless. Then suddenly I noticed the depth in his beautiful dark eyes and paused as he firmly took hold of me and said “Sorry, I just have to do this…” and he kissed me. For the first time in my life I was kissed so passionately that I felt calm and excitement all at once. I felt fireworks on my skin wherever he touched me, and his soft plush lips pressed against mine. I could barely move or think and I just wanted so much more.

I think that was what had me hooked. In my head it is usually so loud, but with him I was able to shut it all out and just relish in pure physical and spiritual pleasure. And when I describe this as spiritual, it is because my experience with him was so transformative, it literally changed my outlook on sexuality,  on life, on feeling desired and just who and what I was looking for in a partner. I was so comfortable being myself with him and forgetting about my insecurities, that I was able to just enjoy it all, every single blissful moment.

And there were many of those moments. For that year we were together I had the BEST SEX EVER. I mean it was mind blowing, fireworks, waterfalls, intergalactic, headboard cracking- bed breaking- disturbing the neighbors, Christmas Eve magic type of lovin'. And although we had plenty of hilarious mishaps that could have easily turned into one of those Cosmo Magazine disclosures, but it didnt stop us and we just enjoyed ourselves. And for the first time I actually knew what sex was. I knew in my soul and in my heart that I had finally released baggage that was weighing me down. And best of all, I was ready to find a partner, even if it wasn't him, who could give me the physical pleasure I craved along with the love I deserved. 

I was having such an amazing time with him in bed (on the floor, in the shower, the couch, on the kitchen counter, in his loft) but he was not the partner that I desired as my equal. He did not possess the accomplishments that I wanted in a potential life partner like degrees, a career, nor did he have a stable family life growing up. I know that sounds superficial, but those were the things that I worked so hard for and things I was accustomed to. I’m an intense, ambitious Scorpio and  he was an unattached flighty Pisces.

He was just a lover and that was all I needed from him. Another lesson was hence learned, and I was ready to move on. That being said, I would still cross a beach covered with sharp broken seashells, barefoot to be with him again. It was just that good. 

#ThatIsAll

Break Ups: It's Relative

I began this blog almost two years ago with the intention of tackling topics that were relevant, thought provoking and offered cathartic relief as well as a break from my dissertation on Education theory.  I have opened up about dating, intimacy, identity, friendship and other issues that I've dealt with as an individual. But there remains one topic that I have been battling privately, and I was not sure if it was appropriate to discuss in a blog medium. Whether it is appropriate I will discuss in the general sense and apply a literary review of a relevant article.

So how does one "Break Up"with a relative?
And NO I'm not dating someone in my family and this certainly is not a blog about incest.

By this I mean how do we cut ties with a person who has caused you and those you love significant pain, legal & financial troubles, is emotionally and physically abusive, conveys a general sense of immorality and poor character and exhibits negative values that your family cannot identify with.... all while this person is biologically related to you.

If the above characteristics were used to describe a significant other, a friend or acquaintance who was the cause of such turmoil, the clear choice would be to cut him or her loose. But wherein family ties are often tightly woven, fate choses who we are inextricably bound to by blood, by heritage and by name. Countless times we have heard the cliches "You don't chose your family" "blood is thicker than water" etc... but these do not offer solace to people like me who refuse to let certain behaviors slide, be an enabler, and/or be someone's emotional doormat.

Without sharing the particular circumstance and identity of the individual of whom I speak, I will acknowledge that it is not my brother, but someone who may as well have been my sibling. We share the same set of grandparents, we belong to the same generation, went to the same schools, had similar upbringings and we are only several years apart; a relationship resembling one with a sibling.
Which is why I invoke a recent article from the New York Times, "The Gift of Siblings" by Frank Brunai. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/26/opinion/sunday/bruni-the-gift-of-siblings.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

In this article the author discusses the intricate relationship of siblings and how those bonds ultimately impact the role we play in our families and consequently in greater society. The dynamics of sibling relationships are complex, since they understand us on a basic and intimate level that even our parents would never be able to understand. I have now extended this understanding to my relationship with this particular individual because like a sibling, I knew this person from birth, and we saw the good and bad in each other. Being the eldest cousin, my role was always to be a model of excellence for my younger relatives. I took this seriously and I would often forgo the fun stuff that teenagers do, in order to pursue the goals that my parents and I had in mind for my future. I would and still do, base all my decisions on whether my parents and grandparents would be proud.

I assume she and other family members could not live up to those pressures to succeed and allowed themselves to be influenced by other priorities.  At the time I admired her free spirit, and vicariously lived through her misadventures in truancy, relationships and general bad girl behavior that I never had the time or agency to pursue. But I soon came to realize that I resented her ability to be selfish, put her needs first and to repetitively hurt the people I love by choosing a destructive path.

After years of 'bad behavior' to put it lightly, the last straw was pulled and I realized that I could no longer continue to have a person repeatedly cause my family pain, and I shut her out. It was a unanimous decision to do so by my own sibling, parents, grandmother and others in the family who could no longer witness such destruction and chaos.

Of course it was not easy, of course I miss this person and who she used to be, but in hindsight  and for self preservation, we did the right thing. However in order to understand the range of emotions I've experienced I first have to understand the relationship and whether cutting them off was the right choice.

Much like the emotional course one takes after the death of a loved one, or even a romantic break up, I had my moments where I missed her terribly. I grieved for that person who figuratively died, and whose memory I hold dear. I longed for the inside jokes we shared, the memories and time spent together on holidays, or just funny little quirks we had in common. Sometimes I see traces of her at my relative's home, and remember how similar we actually are. For instance we both still find mac 'n cheese comfort food, we use the same brands of body wash and shampoo, and we even now have the same hair color.

Although we could have been as close as sisters,  we are most definitely on two different paths. The person that exists now is not at all like the person I knew. She looks hard and rugged from late nights, not taking care of herself and a rough lifestyle. She has a general nasty demeanor that dampens the space as son as she walks in. If we met as strangers today, we probably would not be friends because our lives, our goals, or priorities are so dissimilar.

I know now cannot have her in my life, and I cannot make myself vulnerable to the repercussions of her self destruction. I wouldn't know how to fit her into my already hectic life. I don't even have an answer to the original question from the beginning of this post.  I realize everyone has their choices to make, their path to travel. Although you can chose who you want to travel with you, whomever you meet in the future is to be determined.

I can only hope that if and when our paths cross again, we are both better people.

Somebody I Used to Know

Glancing backward at him as I walked away, I began to think that two years ago I would have turned myself around, called out to him and caught up to his pace, just to spend another moment with him, look into his eyes and just linger in his presence. I would have asked so many questions, opened up & purged the feelings I kept inside, study the expressions of his face, the curve of his lips as he responded.

But now I felt nothing but lightness in my heart and the satisfation of making the right decision to continue on my way and on my own.

We cant help but ponder the infinite possibilities that that our actions, or non-actions could create, in those instances. 'If only' and all the unanswered questions plague our existence after parting ways with someone you shared so much of yourself with.

And as I walked away both figuratively and literally from a man that I once shared such a great connection with so long ago, I would be lying if I did not admit to picturing a different outcome for us two.

He was different. He was younger than me, but we were alike in so many ways.  Both born in the same country and both child immigrants to the US,  we both had a fondness for tradition as well as the novelties of assimilation.  Navigating the cultural gaps we saw at home and in dominant society was a struggle for us both, as was connecting to a culture we were both removed from as toddlers.  Making a life and finding our way, where there was no one else we could model ourselves after was a triumph we discussed. It is actually the way we met, he happened upon a my profile and contacted me, "Trini sister, I dont know you, but I see your accomplishments, and I'm so proud of you."  Something about the instant ease of our communication made it hard for me to turn away.

But this is not one of those blog entries, this is about something entirely different. It is about the cosmic connection and the stinging discomfort of wondering "what if."

In as much as I discuss the various stratification of identity, I have never actually dated someone with an exact match for my background, and worldview, and complexities of a fusion of culture, ethnicity and religion as he had. But delving into deeper conversations with this individual, almost immediately, it was clear that he was a reflection of myself, and in some strange alternate reality he could have been the partner I need and deserve. Although the expectations for embracing American culture, language education and men were there, my parents also reminded me to keep an open mind when it comes to Trinidadian men, because someone will surprise me.

He did surprise me in the many ways. And the serendipitous situations was too much to ignore.

Not only did he go to school with my cousin, but he had the same last name as my maternal family, and no we are not related. I work with his Uncle. We are both cusp Scorpios; while I straddle Libra, he borders Sagittarius. I grew up in NYC and he is from NJ, and we root for the Yankees and Giants. But those are not coincidental, the Caribbean American population of NY & NJ is a huge majority-miniority heritage that many people share.

But I knew this was different when he spoke to me in le patois du caribe, and I actually understood. It was then I realized that we shared something unique and profound. He used a creole dialect that I had banished from my own lexicon, and I vaguely comprehended, yet inherently recognized; he not only reminded me of our shared roots, but he woke up a part of me that lay dormant within. With those forbidden words, he opened a door I never knew I had shut, and he walked right in.

Later on he let himself out of my life and without questioning it, I let him go. I knew long before that our union was meant to be temporal and platonic, but letting go is difficult for the possessive Scorpion. Plus I knew he felt something more and I did not know how to tell him it was not the same for me.  As I continued on my way, I give a cursory glance back at this person I used to know, wonder 'what if' for a mere moment and then I remember my theme for the year is to keep it moving.

Cathartic Neglect

Oops, I did it again.
I started a well intentioned blog for the sheer purpose of being an outlet for my emphatic inner voice. Yet once again I have allowed a significant amount of time pass as I neglected this writing project and seemingly abandoned this once cathartic endeavor.

I promise I have things to say, ideas to share, random musings and sexcapades to expound upon. Yes I said Sexcapades and you know you want to read on...

Kiss Me at Midnight

It is early on New Years day as I write this and countless couples around the world have celebrated the beginning of the 2012 with a peck, a smooch or a full on lip lock. This year I chose to decline various invitations to do the cliché club celebration, and opt for Catholic Mass and a quiet evening with Dick Clark.

However a few days ago I shared an amazing pre New Years smooch with a great guy… which has led to this article. I am completely astounded by the way he kisses, and even though we are not at the point where I’d want to spend New Years with him, I would have made it out to wherever he was to kiss him at midnight… just because it is that good!

Perhaps it was seeing various couples ringing in the new year with kisses, or perhaps it was the residual glow from alone time with a certain guy, but it motivated me to investigate the inner workings of a kiss. In the book The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us, author Sheril Kirshenbaum investigates the biological reactions of a kiss… who knew a simple romantic gesture could be so complex! Apparently within a kiss, there is a surge of biological reactions. Research has shown that kissing raises levels of neurotransmitters in the brain such as dopamine and serotonin making our bodies connect on a chemical level. The kiss also conjures oxytocin, referred to as the “love hormone,” since it is usually triggered by orgasms… isn’t science fun???

But what I wanted to know, was what it was that made my guy's kiss so utterly mind blowing, and oh so irresistible to me. I mean this is so good that I turned to science to explain my physical reactions to this man. He makes me feel like I’m in high school again, stirring up all these hormones, driving me wild, and reminding me what it feels like to be absolutely enraptured in passion… Since he’s a Pisces, a fellow water sign … he knows just how to get a Scorpion wet. Oh yes I went there.

So to give a fair comparison I had to evoke the memories of recent Kisses, my last partner unfortunately was not so good … lets take a trip down memory lane…

(CAUTION… Graphic Details)

In comparison, my last relationship, the one that made me swear off Gemini’s forever, dragged on for months. It was a slow and painful wreck I saw coming, but stubbornly ignored the signs because I was hoping that I would eventually feel something, anything but disdain. One sign I should have paid attention to was the kiss. For a while I thought I was doing something wrong… my Ex had no problems blaming me for every single issue… but I digress. Now that I have the most mind blowing physical experiences with my New Boo, I see that the Ex was the one with the problem.

So back to my Gemini Ex, I don’t know if it was my lack of physical attraction to him, or maybe the way he tasted or smelled, which wasn't bad or offensive, but I cringed every time he leaned in with his lips pursed, aiming for mine. I hated the way his thin, wet lips felt against me, with his tongue flapping lightly as if a kitten was lapping up milk. Are you getting that gruesome picture? Well here’s one more detail, he always had this 5 o’clock shadow that chaffed against my chin, cheeks and lips, feeling like sand paper rubbing my face raw.

The Ex hated when I wore lipstick and he refused to kiss me with make up on. So guess what I did… often I slathered on the gooiest, most sparkly lipstick and lip gloss, making sure to pop in some chewing gum, so that I had another layer of protection to guard against my Ex’s oral assaults. But with him, kissing was so mechanical. His arm would be at his side, maybe around my shoulders or resting lightly on my waist. It always occurred when we would say goodbye, never spontaneous or organically rendered from a romantic moment together. It was cold and contrived. He was an air sign… makes sense because air and water (I’m water) create hurricanes, snowstorms and so many of the worst natural disasters… just like our relationship.

BUT with the New Dude…

…its the first time in my life that I’ve been absolutely gratified by just a kiss. Although everything else is just as mind blowing… those juicy details will be tackled in another blog… I just feel so amazing with him before, during and after he kisses me. I'll do my best to capture this with details, but as we all know words sometimes can't express a feeling, especially one this strong...

So to start, he's not to much taller than me, making this a comfortable hight, where with or without high heels, we are both a the perfect lip alignment, lol. We both have pretty much the same size lips... medium, soft not wet, pillowy and inviting... and yes I realize I just complimented myself.

His lips are perfect, not too plump, really soft. He tastes so good and so natural, yet he always as fresh breath... not in the way that makes him smell and taste like Scope mouthwash. I think what I like is his technique, he makes it seem so effortless, like a natural chemistry we have together.

First he gives me a look like he is ready to devour me. Depending on the light, his eyes are this piercing grey color and I become so entranced as he comes closer. He starts by putting his hands on me, but also tugging lightly at my hair, clothes whatever, just to let me know where this is going. He begins slow, pressing his lips against mine, alternating between light and rough, sometimes lightly biting my lips. I never thought I'd like that, but I do!

I love it when he pushes me up against a wall, bed, chair, door anything, feeling him against me, touching all the right spots like he’s reading my mind. I don’t know if it’s the way he grabs a hold of me, running his hand over my body, he squeezes me and pulls me closer to him but every single move feels perfect and pleasurable.

Sometimes I don’t believe its real, so I open my eyes just to peek at what he’s doing, his are always closed, like he’s totally in the moment. When we are taking a breather, his eyes stay locked on my lips as if he can’t wait to latch on again. He’s not aggressive at all, and I feel so at ease with him, but I do like that he knows just how far to go without making a simple kiss into something overtly sexual. I mean that would be fine, Hello I am a Scorpio… but sometimes a girl just wants to know she’s desired, and not only for sex. Kissing this man is some type of intimacy that I’ve never experienced before. THIS IS PASSION… Oh and did I mention he’s Latin?

Upon reflection, I realize that after a rough year and the closing of a tumultuous passionless relationship, this man was and this experience was such a gift. Thank you universe for putting our two compatible signs together. I've been waiting so long to feel this way... something so indescribable. He makes me feel amazing... so much that everyone in my life as noticed a change in my energy, complexion outlook etc. I still don't know what the future holds for us, but what I do know is that I like what is happening now, and the way his energy has affected mine.

So what do you think… Is this truly a chemical reaction that I’m having? Am I hopped up on too much natural dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin that I can barely think of a better blog topic? Am I just being a sensual Scorpio, obsessing and reading too mch into this… or can he be THE ONE?

No probably not… is the answer to the last question.

Krishenbaum investigates a great topic… one that I would be happy to explore further with my Boo... so if I ever write a second part to that book please purchase!

Happy New Year all... and Happy Kissing!