#SingleGirlProbs
How many times have I used that hashtag in my head as I recall the barrage of dates I've inflicted upon myself in the last year? I'm not sure but I blame Tinder, Hinge and OKCupid for enabling my dating addiction. Yes thats a #problem, because I seem to be dating without an actual purpose. Its almost like I'm arbitrarily firing a gun and some guy is bound to be a victim of my nonchalant bullet. I'm scared that has already happened.
However as I approach the 30 year mark of my life, I am beginning to rethink much of my decisions and opening up even more to transformative progress. One of those areas of growth is my dating life wherein I will hopefully eliminate the curious and sometimes lusty tendencies and hone in on those who deserve my time. I have been putting in lots of work on myself for the past few years, professionally, spiritually and physically. I have made so many positive strides and I truly believe I am currently the best version of myself and I deserve someone who will appreciate all of me, the grows and the glows.
I will be the first person to tell you that I have an inherent fear of commitment and relationships. Really though, who has not been turned off by the tribulations of relationships and rejection from time to time. Its easy to casually date and figure out what I like and dislike in hopes that this type of empirical research will prepare me for a real relationship. The whole process is amusing actually, and it is not a difficult task to find a handsome stranger to meet up for drinks, coffee, wander a museum, or take a romantic stroll in the few bookstores remaining in this world. Its not hard to have a guy say YES to anything I say.
Its certainly not hard to engage in light-but-somewhat-meaninful conversation about our respective travels, food adventures, movies and our love/hate for this quirky city. I know I'm intelligent, congenial, outgoing and attractive... no modesty here! It seems like lately I walk down the street and bump into, trip over, or get my shoes stepped on by some gentleman who in movie like fashion runs after me to ask me for my time. Even with humidity hair and being covered in post workout sweat, I've had genuine interactions, and sometimes creepy, with single guys who have somehow decided to cross traffic to speak to me. This is the product of hard work, self awareness and confidence building, all of which I lacked up until my early twenties.
Truthfully I have only been actively dating for the last few years, and haphazardly ended up in short term relationships. I'm not about to discuss my Pisces in this entry, but yes he counts as one of those relationships with a quick expiration date. In hindsight I realize that I ended up with men I knew were not gong to work out for me in the long run; whether I knew he will be moving in a few months, he'd never marry outside his religion, or his low self esteem couldn't handle being with someone way out of his league.
It is a Scorpio tendency to self sabotage, and indeed we are a tad masochistic. So I can see all the choices (in my dating life) where I set myself up for failure. Its an odd method of self preservation since I set limits on how far I would let another person in. I realized this in my last attempt at a relationship where he was clear about his intentions from the start and I went ahead with it despite intuitive doubts. He was so nice, accomplished and dreamy... and pretty much everything aligned for us, including a shared birthday. But what I first saw as sweetness was in actuality weakness and my intensity could easily shatter him... it did, hence the previous bullet metaphor. After a few months I expressed my desire to go our separate ways and the tears began rolling down his face. It only validated that he was certinly not for me, but I also realized I could never put someone through that again.
Transformation is another Scorpio trait that I fully embrace.
In the last two months since that dreary scene occurred, I have not thought about him, but I have thought about me and what I want to be different and better. Only I can change that. I've been on a few dates, but much less than I am used to. I am taking this time to truly assess my relationship goals, among other things and I am purposefully taking action and speaking words to manifest my intentions. I want my next relationship to be lasting and I want to find my life partner already. My life is full and blessed and I only expect good things, despite still being on an imperfect journey. I still have work to do on myself, and I still have a lot to learn, but I want someone I can share these blessings with, learn with and work with on a close to perfect partnership.
I am certainly ready to trade my #SingleGirlProbs for the #RelationshipLearningCurve.
The first step is realizing you have a problem. (jk) dating is all too easy with these dating apps. Things that happen quick die quick. there's no romance and appreciation. Be yourself and those that don't care don't matter. You wont regret the chances you took, but the chances you didn't take. Act the way you want to be treated and replace fear with hope. Don't settle for below your standards just because you are a certain age and feel the need to be at a certain stage in your life.
ReplyDeleteI like to think of personal power when It comes to relationships. Try not to give your power away.
ReplyDeleteYou give your power away when you let others upset you, when you get defensive, become submissive and act against your own health and well-being, when you act from guilt or become intimidated. You give your power away when you care too much about what others think and not enough about what you yourself think. You’re giving your power away when you do acts of needless and largely useless self-sacrifice, give-in to what others want you to do while postponing or negating your own real needs, and when you go along for acceptance or conformity’s sake and act against your own best interests. Especially do you give your power away when you surrender what’s healthy for you to do so that others are unnecessarily and more selfishly benefited. You significantly give your power away when you let others influence you to lose control and get angry, let others guilt-trip you, shame you, embarrass you, intimidate you and, of course, control you. In a more subtle way you give away your power whenever you have time to think things through and forget to think about how your acts concerning others are going to effect you, your health and your well-being, and effect those you care about. In fact you may give your power away when your actions, your thoughts and your feelings do not contain at least some healthy self-love.