Before & After: The Complexities of a Transformative Nature

Previous entries of this blog have been incredibly personal, often sharing my adventures in various social, spiritual, academic and romantic pursuits. While these have not always been easy to share, it sure has been cathartic to do a mental release of things unrelated to my dissertation. In this edition, I will be discussing a part of my journey that never occurred to me to write about because having pride in your appearance can be seemingly vain. 

But it has taken me my whole life (almost 30 years) to rid myself of self conscious tendencies and negative associations with not being what is considered a normal size. I think self reflection is necessary to my evolutionary process to acknowledge my physical transformation, and the emotional toll it takes to accomplish what I have done. Evidently I do not give myself the credit I deserve and I have been accused of making everything look so easy, but I assure you the hard work is constant and continual and internal struggles and anxieties still exist.

The picture I have posted is the second in a series of Before & After images of “who I was” and “who I am now/who I am improving.” Note that I will avoid using the term “weight loss” because I am acknowledging the transformative process of the whole person, and what I have GAINED as a result of positive life changes. The first picture was taken five years ago at a club in Boston on New Years Eve. The second picture was last week on a random Thursday night, off to have drinks with a gentleman, something I would have never done if I looked like I did in the first picture. While the bulk of my physical transformation occurred around the beginning of 2012, I have still been on a constant quest for self-improvement.

When I look at these two pictures I have multiple and complex feelings for them both. Mostly it is a shocking image because while was that girl 5 years ago, I knew I was bigger than the norm, but i didnt realize how I truly felt because I put on a veneer of happiness, confidence and distracted myself with work.  I never realized how deeply ingrained my insecurities were and how much I held myself back out of fear. I didn’t know the real me was buried under anxiety, self doubt, self consciousness and unhappiness. I never knew how far I could go, how much I needed to change, how amazing I would feel after some hard work and a few life changes.  I sometimes don’t realize how much I have changed. I still feel like the only big girl in the room and revert back to being uncomfortable in my own skin. Other times I get confused as to why attractive guys ask me out or seek my attention, I even pick up large sizes to try on when I go shopping, but mostly I still have to work on the emotional progress in achieving such a transformation. 

Mostly I still have a complicated relationship with food because the “Before” picture terrifies me of ever becoming that girl again. Although I know I will always be curvacious, I never want to go back to being big. I look at women in public, struggling through the day to do normal things like walk and not be out of breath, climb stairs, fit into public seating comfortably and I know that they would be so happy even 10 lbs lighter. The most confident plus sized woman, has these same insecurities, and I know they if given a choice they would want to have a normal or healthy size over obesity. I know because I was that woman once, and every day I am scared that if I have a bout of depression, anxiety or anything caused by stress I could possibly revert to unhealthy habits, and I am a few sizes away from being that girl again.

When I look at the “After” version of myself, at times I can see my mom! 

But mainly I see a version of myself that I have learned to love, and I think that is the hardest part of the journey. I see someone who has been through so much more that I am willing to share on this platform, someone who has worked hard on many areas of her life and who is proud of the journey she is on. I’ve learned to forgive myself for harboring insecurities for so long, I’ve learned to look past my own flaws and appreciate scars as evidence of survival. Now I now what I am worth, I know who deserves to share my time and my life, and I know that I can always turn a challenge into a learning experience. Most importantly I know that the acquisition of my own happiness, unconsciously permits others to celebrate whatever accomplishments they have made for the sake of transformation. Again I am not discussing this topic from the perspective of physical vanity, but the entire process that has imparted major life lessons.

As always I enjoy delving into the mysteries of my transformative nature as a complex being, and as always I will use the astrological lens as a metaphor for my own transformation.  Of course I can debate the western ideals of beauty and how exotic women of color are held to impossible standards through feminist, post structural or modernist standpoints, but astrologically is truly is the best way for me to understand my own nature and purpose, plus its so much more fun! In the last several years I have been working on literally every aspect of myself, including professional, spiritual, social, academic, emotional, sexual and physical. While all but the last have been for the most part work I have done internally, the physical is the only tangible reflection of my progress. Without disclosing the numerical value of weight I’ve shed, I will divulge that I am smaller than my high school ‘dress size’ and not only am I below an American size 10, I can fit into child size leggings. 

Transformation is an inherent quality of SCORPIO.

Despite being fixed in many of our attributes, the process of renewal is essential to becoming our best selves. Our highest symbolic form is the phoenix, literally a celestial creature ablaze in purposeful passion, in order to emerge from its own ashes a new and better than its former self. Scorpion elemental energy is water, which can be dramatic in its intensity and purpose, relentless in its goal seeking nature, reflecting a person with great inner strength, and ability to endure and emerge from difficult situations.

Basically this explains my entire experience in the my period of my Saturn Return, when I am battered with challenges and cosmic lessons every 28-30 years. Thankfully the end of Saturn in my sign ends on December 23 and the end of the Saturn Revolution in my sign ends on my 30th birthday on October 23. Coincidentally this is extremely auspicious because there is a major solar eclipse on my birthday and it falls on Diwali, the Festival of lights and Goddess Laxmi's Birthday. The last time this occurred was the day I was born so... 

... Am I a Goddess? Possibly, but I think the metaphorical meaning is relevant to what I am experiencing, which is why I m interested in the Goddess imagery. 

By the way Laxmi's imagery as a water goddess of love, beauty, prosperity, fertility and altruism... aligns with Venus, Oshun, Freyja and Maria Caridad de Cobre (Mother Mary of Charity)... all being linked to water and governing similar attributes. I have major spiritual connections to two of these Godesses... Oshun especially is an Orishia Mermaid depicted all over the Caribbean and South America and Maria Caridad dc Cobre is the patroness of Haiti, a statue mysteriously found in the sea centuries ago by a slave and a version of Mary whom I embrace in the Catholic tradition to be a pivotal figure and female leader.

My message in this entry... if you have gotten this far... is to inspire positive transformations within yourselves. It does not have to be drastic, but making small changes toward a bigger goal will make what seems impossible, attainable. We can all make improvements, and I am the first to admit my flaws and set my intentions. 

That being said, I am more than ever ready for renewal. I am ready to enter a new decade as an enlightened being, surviving the challenges and emerging into the beautiful celestial being I was meant to be. I will always cling to my faith for stability and I have learned to look to the Goddesses for strength and inspiration on my journey ahead. Although I look back on myself and who I used to be, I still have these complex feelings, I will never forget the lessons of my journey and I know I am still the same person, just a better version.  

Daddy Issues: Its Not Me, its Your Dad

What is the Daddy Factor, and does your guy have it? Mine certainly does... 

Since my last post I have been reassessing my last few failed relationships in order to elucidate issues that I may have overlooked, in order work on them or avoid them in the future. However designating them ‘failed’ is a misrepresentation because with each, I gave it my best shot with the emotional capacity that I could muster at the time, and to me that is not a failure. I was genuine, caring, open minded, monogamous and still the respective man and I went our separate ways every single time. I realize I have things to work on (my dissertation, my time management, prioritizing my partner) in particular my fear of commitment.

One major factor that I seemingly overlooked with practically all the men I have dated, and similarly with many platonic friends is the DADDY FACTOR, aka their daddy issues. No, the stereotypical attention seeking, needy, clingy women vying for your attention are not the only ones suffering with issues stemming from unconstructive relationships with father figures. Men can also fall victim to absentee fathers, abusive fathers or deceased ones. In all those cases, boys are unable to recognize and acquire the skills it takes to do basic relationship and parenting asks. Whether the issues materialize themselves as attention seeking, promiscuity, disrespect, avoidance of emotions, exaggerated emotion, insecurity etc… I’ve experiences a combination of these with various men and in conjunction with my own issues, our relationship ultimately expire.

BUT this is my observance and experience. I am not at all demeaning men with absentee fathers, I know it is not their choice and it is the hand that they were dealt by the universe. I am merely making a connection between the issues I encounter within this particular subset. Many men, and women overcome the void created by the disappearance of the father, others are fortunate to have a close relative or mentor who could easily step in and model the correct behavior. Other men have wonderful parents and stellar upbringings and yet they are misogynists. Here are some of my personal findings. As always I examine through an astrological lens.

Pisces: Never talked about his Daddy. He would talk about his mom, sister and brother and friends, obviously conveying his ability to have strong familial and emotional relationships, and healthy social skills.  He was a beautiful, gentle soul, and I obviously could write multiple entries about my torch for this Pisces. However there was always a disconnect emotionally between us, I know he was damaged in some way but I could never get to the root of it and he would never let his insecurities show. Pisces understood literally all of my needs and never had to ask me what I wanted because he already knew. There were so many cosmic alignments between us and to this day it has been my best overall experience. Maybe the lack of a daddy didn’t actually affect this guy.

Gemini: ALWAYS brought up his dead Daddy. Understandably the man had died a few years prior to when we met, and I could see how the grief of such a loss could be utterly debilitating to a grown adult who was just coming into his own. But his mood swings, emotional manipulation and insecurities almost wore me out. We had so many issues, and he would either blame me for being inadequate at relationships, or play the emotional guilt trip about how I could never understand what it is like to have a deceased parent. Actually yes I do… and that will be discussed last. But I would never manipulate anyone or wish that grief upon them the way he did to me.

Capricorn: Daddy Pleaser. He was so spoiled and he did everything his dad wanted him to do. He chose to live at home in a DMV McMansion, use daddy’s black card and  he was poised to take over a multi-million dollar business, working from the ground up. Unlike all the other men, he was looking to get married and he was happy to be with anyone his parents set him up with until he met me and became eerily infatuated. Capricorn was literally perfect for me, he loved his parents and doted on his sister, he wanted monogamy, he was thoughtful, attentive, physically enchanting. He was the only one I actually ever discussed with my parents. In the end he blamed our break up on his dad who would only allow him marry a Muslim girl from his country, and being Catholic and Caribbean with western values, it was just too much for a homogenous traditional culture like his. I miss him, and I pray that I would someday find a better version of him despite the fact that he still calls me to this day.

Aries: Lordy this one is tough. Poor guy lost his dad at a very young age, leaving him to practically raise his younger brother and support his mommy; something he still does to this very day. He truly is a great guy and has the capability and potential to become a wonderful partner and parent, heck he’s been doing it since grade school. But I can definitely see how he overcompensates his goofy demeanor in order to avoid any tough emotional engagement. He is also codependent to family relationships, often opting to forgo independent needs and give in to the group. I also sense a resentment of sorts toward his mother despite his love and loyalty to her as the breadwinner. Maybe he wasn’t coddled enough and he cannot cope with a woman fulfilling a man’s role. Mostly he is ok with me being bossy and having my way.

However, we can have the best physical interactions, the intimate and fascinating pillow talk and I honestly feel the most comfortable with him by comparison to anyone. But there is a vast wall that he has built up and would never let me into. Sometimes I look at him and I see clear glimpses of what a wonderful life we could have together if we let each other past our mutual emotional barriers. Which is why I open up from time to time and I think he understands that its not easy for me, but it is never reciprocated by him. We will never get anywhere except crashing into a dead end. FIX IT JESUS.

Libra: Still daddy’s boy. He is tall, handsome, attentive, and a spoilt only child. He completely took me by surprise by his decisive nature and willingness to enter into a relationship despite my doubts. The way it ended similarly too me by surprise, and I think I’m finally able to discuss this anecdote, although I am not recovered from the utter humiliation and shock of a boundless relationship between a dad and his son. Libras, like my dad and brother, are truly lovers. He loves whomever he is with, he is the perfect partner and one feels utter bliss in his care. He asks what my needs are and is willing to please no matter what the task. He has the same relationship with his parents, loving and respecting them. Although this relationship was too close for comfort and I could not tolerate the lack of boundaries. On one evening at his home, during a particular intimate moment, his daddy walked in on us. Oddly Libra was completely ok with Daddy seeing me in such a state of undress, but I was not OK. His Daddy came in without calling before hand, bringing groceries and household items for his grown son which was the most unattractive thing about this scenario. YES this happened and it was the last time I saw either of them.

ME Scorpio: No Daddy Issues I SWEAR! But I do have Granddaddy Issues.

I lost my beloved Virgo grandfather during adolescence. I was not prepared for such a sudden loss, nor was anyone in my entire family. When my grandfather died it was the first time I ever personally experienced the death of a loved one, or for that matter anyone I ever knew. Indeed I have amazing parents, a brilliant Godfather at least a dozen uncles, scores of male cousins and I have had a significant amount of time with both Grandfathers. Best of all I have a great relationship with my brother. Surely I’m not hurting for healthy male relationships.

I always consider myself to have been raised by my grandparents. I was privileged to have had my grandfather care for me, protect me, teach me and do all the things that my parents could not do while they immigrated to NYC.  This is the man that I saw before I went to bed and when I woke up in the morning, looked up to and idolized in every possible way, he taught me to pray and to honor my spirituality. The very root of my heritage, faith, confidence and self awareness comes from him. When Nana (my maternal grandfather) died I never recovered and I literally had that void ever since. Almost two decades later, through numerous therapy sessions, outbursts, bouts of depression that manifested in unhealthy ways etc, and I am still in tears as I type this.

So when Gemini ex accused me of not ever being able to understand his loss, it really hurt because I am totally able to empathize. I think about my Nana ever singe day and when I pray I talk to him mostly. Whenever I see an old man and woman together I think of my grandma being alone and aging with out her beloved at her side. I think of my mom who adored her father and will never see him again. I think of my brother who was a baby at the time of his passing and never got to know the stellar human being that raised me. I constantly hope for the day, if there ever will be one, where I could look into his beautiful hazel eyes and feel that wonderful warm safe feeling girls get with their daddies.

Despite this tremendous loss, I don’t think it contributes to any of my relationship issues. After all my dad is still around and my parents actually exemplify the relationship I want to eventually have.

Evidently the Daddy factor can manifest in other ways like it has with my Grandfather. I am almost certain that the experience of a sudden loss and inability to cope with grief has caused me to emotionally shut down and induce the ‘fight or fight’ method. I’m not entirely sure if the reasons for my lack of commitment is my way of avoiding the pain of losing a partner, although it is possible. But those are the things that I have identified as areas to work on. Men have to do the same thing.

While “Daddy Issues” are typically attributed to women, it is evident that men bear similar emotional burdens that eventually lead to obstacles in successful relationships. This is not the only source of contention I have, and clearly each relationship had its respective issues. Obviously I would always opt for a person with a close family and healthy relationship with their parents, it is a major signifier of how they will treat me.  But in order to fully understand your partner you must understand where they come from and who indeed affected their foundational relationship experiences. When those relationships are strained, or when a father is absent, who knows what mixed bag of issues can potentially emerge.

Happy Birthday My Prince

YES of course I remember that its your birthday. I know it's your 30th, a major milestone that I will  meet in few months as well. And as I type this I am shaking off the incredible urge to call you, to text or to email and let you know that I still remember. Also I  am fighting the temptation to let you know that I only want the best for you, because the best is ME.

I remember everything.

I remember feeling your energy enter the room before I saw you. Something gave me chills, and when I turned around and our eyes met I instantly felt hot, a heat that sets ones soul ablaze. But when when you approached me I felt cold, because I knew I wanted you and I immediately went into defense mode, instantly building an emotional wall and rejecting all your attempts to converse with me. It didn't work because I wanted to know more and you were so persistent.

I wanted to talk more, to see you again and just have you any way that I could. And for a short time, Yes we did have everything. But it still was not enough for you, I was not enough, nor will I ever be.

I think of you more than you realize, I remember everything you said to me. I remember how you looked divine and  glowing straight out of the gym, earbuds still in, and biceps and rippling abs visible through your white tee shirt. Your beautiful eyes bore into mine with an intensity that I never imagined I could feel with a stranger.

Although you are 100% my type of man (hypermasculine,  athletic tall, caramel tan, black hair and stunning eyes) I was looking past the superficial Disney Prince on steroids look.  Every time I was in your presence you broke down my resistance. I wanted you so much that broke all my rules for you.

I am still willing to do that, I'm still willing to do anything you want. But I won't, because you won't ever do that for me.

You won't accept the things that are important to me like my faith, and therefore you won't know the most special and beautiful part of me. The part of me that is kind and generous, compassionate and forgiving. My faith has given me a foundation when I felt like I had nothing else to hold on to, it has given me comfort in times of grief and stress. It has given me tremendous gratitude and the ability to recognize all of my blessings. My Faith gives me immense hope that I will one day find a better version of you. Someone who will love and accept everything, someone who will pray with me, not in my tradition or his, but in a way that we could share together.

Its your Birthday, and I am praying for you. I pray that you find love, peace and success and a woman who has the capacity to love you the way I did. But I can't help but doubt that your faith would allow you to do the same for me.

Single Girl Problems

#SingleGirlProbs

How many times have I used that hashtag in my head as I recall the barrage of dates I've inflicted upon myself in the last year? I'm not sure but I blame Tinder, Hinge and OKCupid for enabling my dating addiction. Yes thats a #problem, because I seem to be dating without an actual purpose. Its almost like I'm arbitrarily firing a gun and some guy is bound to be a victim of my nonchalant bullet. I'm scared that has already happened.

However as I approach the 30 year mark of my life, I am beginning to rethink much of my decisions and opening up even more to transformative progress. One of those areas of growth is my dating life wherein I will hopefully eliminate the curious and sometimes lusty tendencies and hone in on those who deserve my time. I have been putting in lots of work on myself for the past few years, professionally, spiritually and physically. I have made so many positive strides and I truly believe I am currently the best version of myself and I deserve someone who will appreciate all of me, the grows and the glows.

I will be the first person to tell you that I have an inherent fear of commitment and relationships. Really though, who has not been turned off by the tribulations of relationships and rejection from time to time. Its easy to casually date and figure out what I like and dislike in hopes that this type of empirical research will prepare me for a real relationship. The whole process is amusing actually, and it is not a difficult task to find a handsome stranger to meet up for drinks, coffee, wander a museum, or take a romantic stroll in the few bookstores remaining in this world. Its not hard to have a guy say YES to anything I say.

Its certainly not hard to engage in light-but-somewhat-meaninful conversation about our respective travels, food adventures, movies and our love/hate for this quirky city. I know I'm intelligent, congenial, outgoing and attractive...  no modesty here!  It seems like lately I walk down the street and bump into, trip over, or get my shoes stepped on by some gentleman who in movie like fashion runs after me to ask me for my time. Even with humidity hair and being covered in post workout sweat, I've had genuine interactions, and sometimes creepy, with single guys who have somehow decided to cross traffic to speak to me. This is the product of hard work, self awareness and confidence building, all of which I lacked up until my early twenties.

Truthfully I have only been actively dating for the last few years, and haphazardly ended up in short term relationships. I'm not about to discuss my Pisces in this entry, but yes he counts as one of those relationships with a quick expiration date. In hindsight I realize that I ended up with men I knew were not  gong to work out for me in the long run; whether I knew he will be moving in a few months, he'd never marry outside his religion, or his low self esteem couldn't handle being with someone way out of his league.

It is a Scorpio tendency to self sabotage, and indeed we are a tad masochistic. So I can see all the choices (in my dating life) where I set myself up for failure. Its an odd method of self preservation since I set limits on how far I would let another person in. I realized this in my last attempt at a relationship where he was clear about his intentions from the start and I went ahead with it despite intuitive doubts. He was so nice, accomplished and dreamy... and pretty much everything aligned for us, including a shared birthday. But what I first saw as sweetness was in actuality weakness and my intensity could easily shatter him... it did, hence the previous bullet metaphor. After a few months I expressed my desire to go our separate ways and the tears began rolling down his face. It only validated that he was certinly not for me, but I also realized I could never put someone through that again.

Transformation is another Scorpio trait that I fully embrace.
In the last two months since that dreary scene occurred, I have not thought about him, but I have thought about me and what I want to be different and better. Only I can change that. I've been on a few dates, but much less than I am used to. I am taking this time to truly assess my relationship goals, among other things and I am purposefully taking action and speaking words to manifest my intentions. I want my next relationship to be lasting and I want to find my life partner already. My life is full and blessed and I only expect good things, despite still being on an imperfect journey.  I still have work to do on myself, and I still have a lot to learn, but I want someone I can share these blessings with,  learn with and work with on a close to perfect partnership.

I am certainly ready to trade my #SingleGirlProbs for the #RelationshipLearningCurve.

#Pisces HEARTS #Scorpio

He was the most ethereal creature I have ever encountered.
From the moment I laid my eyes on him I knew there was something exceptional about this man. I never expected anything from him, and when you give the most unlikely person an opportunity, they can surprise you, rendering some the brightest life lessons. In this case the chance I took on him rewarded me with an awakening that would rival Chopin and Lady Chatterly combined.

He was  younger than me, but one hundred percent a man and he was the first to ever make me feel like a woman. He had such a boyish charm in his smile and in his gestures, but his eyes had the depth of an old soul. It sounds so cliché, but I knew immediately and intuitively that he was someone I had to give my precious time and attention to. At that time in my life I was rebounding from not one, but two relationships that were unsuccessful… both respectively failed for different reasons. And I was still reeling from those lessons learned.

But I was not looking for anyone and that is exactly when he found me. I was in the third and most difficult semester of my Doctoral coursework, and I was questioning every ambitious choice I made and motivation I had. I was battling emotional demons form the past, balancing work and health stressors, and not to mention the countless insecurities that I had and still fight to this day. At that point I had no time for someone new, but when we met it was clear to me that this was a person I had to open my life to. He asked me the dumbest question to break the ice, and I still gave him a chance and I am so glad that I did.

I remember our first time together, and I honestly feel like every time before that never actually counted. I didn’t think I was ready, but I was absolutely ready. I was in dire need of everything he was willing to give to me; he was a river flowing into my desert, quenching every scorched corner of that parched wilderness. He was perfect in every way. His family was from an island in the Caribbean like mine, but he was Latin. His beautiful olive skin was even toned and without a single freckle or blemish until I scratched and dug may nails into his muscular shoulders and back. His hair was black and long enough for me to run my fingers through and pull as I often did. The depth of his eyes terrified and intrigued me because I knew what he held behind them.  But his lips were the best part. They matched mine, not to wide or thick, but just puffy enough to provide a soft landing for my lips.

There are no words that can truly capture my experience with this mystical Pisces Man, but a girl sure can try.

We had been dating for quite a while and I was really happy around him. We were just hanging out and having good clean fun… I swear! We watched movies, went to museums, played board games and he even taught me about online video games. He introduced me to a new type of music and he would send me songs that would help me relax. We would just stay up all night talking like old friends, and he would bid me goodnight in Spanish. Like I said, he was boyish. His relaxed nature tempered my pure intensity. But that semester was wearing me down, and he was a welcomed escape from everything that was slowly killing my happiness.

I just remember being so nervous and frazzled driving over to his house to see him. As usual when I arrived and parked in the lot next to his car, he came down to greet me and escort me up to his two story condo.

He hugged me and asked me about my drive and my day and I think I literally rambled all the way up the three flights of stairs, and for the first half hour of being in his home I hadn’t relaxed or sat down. I just paced and talked as he just sat there motionless and expressionless. Then suddenly I noticed the depth in his beautiful dark eyes and paused as he firmly took hold of me and said “Sorry, I just have to do this…” and he kissed me. For the first time in my life I was kissed so passionately that I felt calm and excitement all at once. I felt fireworks on my skin wherever he touched me, and his soft plush lips pressed against mine. I could barely move or think and I just wanted so much more.

I think that was what had me hooked. In my head it is usually so loud, but with him I was able to shut it all out and just relish in pure physical and spiritual pleasure. And when I describe this as spiritual, it is because my experience with him was so transformative, it literally changed my outlook on sexuality,  on life, on feeling desired and just who and what I was looking for in a partner. I was so comfortable being myself with him and forgetting about my insecurities, that I was able to just enjoy it all, every single blissful moment.

And there were many of those moments. For that year we were together I had the BEST SEX EVER. I mean it was mind blowing, fireworks, waterfalls, intergalactic, headboard cracking- bed breaking- disturbing the neighbors, Christmas Eve magic type of lovin'. And although we had plenty of hilarious mishaps that could have easily turned into one of those Cosmo Magazine disclosures, but it didnt stop us and we just enjoyed ourselves. And for the first time I actually knew what sex was. I knew in my soul and in my heart that I had finally released baggage that was weighing me down. And best of all, I was ready to find a partner, even if it wasn't him, who could give me the physical pleasure I craved along with the love I deserved. 

I was having such an amazing time with him in bed (on the floor, in the shower, the couch, on the kitchen counter, in his loft) but he was not the partner that I desired as my equal. He did not possess the accomplishments that I wanted in a potential life partner like degrees, a career, nor did he have a stable family life growing up. I know that sounds superficial, but those were the things that I worked so hard for and things I was accustomed to. I’m an intense, ambitious Scorpio and  he was an unattached flighty Pisces.

He was just a lover and that was all I needed from him. Another lesson was hence learned, and I was ready to move on. That being said, I would still cross a beach covered with sharp broken seashells, barefoot to be with him again. It was just that good. 

#ThatIsAll

Break Ups: It's Relative

I began this blog almost two years ago with the intention of tackling topics that were relevant, thought provoking and offered cathartic relief as well as a break from my dissertation on Education theory.  I have opened up about dating, intimacy, identity, friendship and other issues that I've dealt with as an individual. But there remains one topic that I have been battling privately, and I was not sure if it was appropriate to discuss in a blog medium. Whether it is appropriate I will discuss in the general sense and apply a literary review of a relevant article.

So how does one "Break Up"with a relative?
And NO I'm not dating someone in my family and this certainly is not a blog about incest.

By this I mean how do we cut ties with a person who has caused you and those you love significant pain, legal & financial troubles, is emotionally and physically abusive, conveys a general sense of immorality and poor character and exhibits negative values that your family cannot identify with.... all while this person is biologically related to you.

If the above characteristics were used to describe a significant other, a friend or acquaintance who was the cause of such turmoil, the clear choice would be to cut him or her loose. But wherein family ties are often tightly woven, fate choses who we are inextricably bound to by blood, by heritage and by name. Countless times we have heard the cliches "You don't chose your family" "blood is thicker than water" etc... but these do not offer solace to people like me who refuse to let certain behaviors slide, be an enabler, and/or be someone's emotional doormat.

Without sharing the particular circumstance and identity of the individual of whom I speak, I will acknowledge that it is not my brother, but someone who may as well have been my sibling. We share the same set of grandparents, we belong to the same generation, went to the same schools, had similar upbringings and we are only several years apart; a relationship resembling one with a sibling.
Which is why I invoke a recent article from the New York Times, "The Gift of Siblings" by Frank Brunai. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/26/opinion/sunday/bruni-the-gift-of-siblings.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

In this article the author discusses the intricate relationship of siblings and how those bonds ultimately impact the role we play in our families and consequently in greater society. The dynamics of sibling relationships are complex, since they understand us on a basic and intimate level that even our parents would never be able to understand. I have now extended this understanding to my relationship with this particular individual because like a sibling, I knew this person from birth, and we saw the good and bad in each other. Being the eldest cousin, my role was always to be a model of excellence for my younger relatives. I took this seriously and I would often forgo the fun stuff that teenagers do, in order to pursue the goals that my parents and I had in mind for my future. I would and still do, base all my decisions on whether my parents and grandparents would be proud.

I assume she and other family members could not live up to those pressures to succeed and allowed themselves to be influenced by other priorities.  At the time I admired her free spirit, and vicariously lived through her misadventures in truancy, relationships and general bad girl behavior that I never had the time or agency to pursue. But I soon came to realize that I resented her ability to be selfish, put her needs first and to repetitively hurt the people I love by choosing a destructive path.

After years of 'bad behavior' to put it lightly, the last straw was pulled and I realized that I could no longer continue to have a person repeatedly cause my family pain, and I shut her out. It was a unanimous decision to do so by my own sibling, parents, grandmother and others in the family who could no longer witness such destruction and chaos.

Of course it was not easy, of course I miss this person and who she used to be, but in hindsight  and for self preservation, we did the right thing. However in order to understand the range of emotions I've experienced I first have to understand the relationship and whether cutting them off was the right choice.

Much like the emotional course one takes after the death of a loved one, or even a romantic break up, I had my moments where I missed her terribly. I grieved for that person who figuratively died, and whose memory I hold dear. I longed for the inside jokes we shared, the memories and time spent together on holidays, or just funny little quirks we had in common. Sometimes I see traces of her at my relative's home, and remember how similar we actually are. For instance we both still find mac 'n cheese comfort food, we use the same brands of body wash and shampoo, and we even now have the same hair color.

Although we could have been as close as sisters,  we are most definitely on two different paths. The person that exists now is not at all like the person I knew. She looks hard and rugged from late nights, not taking care of herself and a rough lifestyle. She has a general nasty demeanor that dampens the space as son as she walks in. If we met as strangers today, we probably would not be friends because our lives, our goals, or priorities are so dissimilar.

I know now cannot have her in my life, and I cannot make myself vulnerable to the repercussions of her self destruction. I wouldn't know how to fit her into my already hectic life. I don't even have an answer to the original question from the beginning of this post.  I realize everyone has their choices to make, their path to travel. Although you can chose who you want to travel with you, whomever you meet in the future is to be determined.

I can only hope that if and when our paths cross again, we are both better people.

Somebody I Used to Know

Glancing backward at him as I walked away, I began to think that two years ago I would have turned myself around, called out to him and caught up to his pace, just to spend another moment with him, look into his eyes and just linger in his presence. I would have asked so many questions, opened up & purged the feelings I kept inside, study the expressions of his face, the curve of his lips as he responded.

But now I felt nothing but lightness in my heart and the satisfation of making the right decision to continue on my way and on my own.

We cant help but ponder the infinite possibilities that that our actions, or non-actions could create, in those instances. 'If only' and all the unanswered questions plague our existence after parting ways with someone you shared so much of yourself with.

And as I walked away both figuratively and literally from a man that I once shared such a great connection with so long ago, I would be lying if I did not admit to picturing a different outcome for us two.

He was different. He was younger than me, but we were alike in so many ways.  Both born in the same country and both child immigrants to the US,  we both had a fondness for tradition as well as the novelties of assimilation.  Navigating the cultural gaps we saw at home and in dominant society was a struggle for us both, as was connecting to a culture we were both removed from as toddlers.  Making a life and finding our way, where there was no one else we could model ourselves after was a triumph we discussed. It is actually the way we met, he happened upon a my profile and contacted me, "Trini sister, I dont know you, but I see your accomplishments, and I'm so proud of you."  Something about the instant ease of our communication made it hard for me to turn away.

But this is not one of those blog entries, this is about something entirely different. It is about the cosmic connection and the stinging discomfort of wondering "what if."

In as much as I discuss the various stratification of identity, I have never actually dated someone with an exact match for my background, and worldview, and complexities of a fusion of culture, ethnicity and religion as he had. But delving into deeper conversations with this individual, almost immediately, it was clear that he was a reflection of myself, and in some strange alternate reality he could have been the partner I need and deserve. Although the expectations for embracing American culture, language education and men were there, my parents also reminded me to keep an open mind when it comes to Trinidadian men, because someone will surprise me.

He did surprise me in the many ways. And the serendipitous situations was too much to ignore.

Not only did he go to school with my cousin, but he had the same last name as my maternal family, and no we are not related. I work with his Uncle. We are both cusp Scorpios; while I straddle Libra, he borders Sagittarius. I grew up in NYC and he is from NJ, and we root for the Yankees and Giants. But those are not coincidental, the Caribbean American population of NY & NJ is a huge majority-miniority heritage that many people share.

But I knew this was different when he spoke to me in le patois du caribe, and I actually understood. It was then I realized that we shared something unique and profound. He used a creole dialect that I had banished from my own lexicon, and I vaguely comprehended, yet inherently recognized; he not only reminded me of our shared roots, but he woke up a part of me that lay dormant within. With those forbidden words, he opened a door I never knew I had shut, and he walked right in.

Later on he let himself out of my life and without questioning it, I let him go. I knew long before that our union was meant to be temporal and platonic, but letting go is difficult for the possessive Scorpion. Plus I knew he felt something more and I did not know how to tell him it was not the same for me.  As I continued on my way, I give a cursory glance back at this person I used to know, wonder 'what if' for a mere moment and then I remember my theme for the year is to keep it moving.